tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41740574235353854982024-03-13T08:14:44.615-07:00Dating SuburbanDating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.comBlogger95125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-38566356498654805532017-09-09T11:23:00.000-07:002017-09-13T19:29:30.255-07:00Pedophile Date<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My neighbor's nephew is courting a
pedophile. I say "courting" because he's "dating" someone
else. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">In typical fashion,
Crustaphile the Pedo has seduced him, charmed him, been there to stroke him,
and then strikes. His guilt is enormous, but he stays, because it's too
dangerous to break away. He's deep into her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB0j0wCBsfSGhBY-K8NOW1cksPovfJT6spLquz5mhdKeIcPMj_m8DdTtZWHx3g1J4K0ISe4an368Hd8_mvVIxlOeVibjZS-2cSSzbTHoPc6DljCJT0-Aev_ZA9GKMa6odvlhEBP9xD3rk/s1600/carrie-hoover+eyes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="56" data-original-width="56" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB0j0wCBsfSGhBY-K8NOW1cksPovfJT6spLquz5mhdKeIcPMj_m8DdTtZWHx3g1J4K0ISe4an368Hd8_mvVIxlOeVibjZS-2cSSzbTHoPc6DljCJT0-Aev_ZA9GKMa6odvlhEBP9xD3rk/s1600/carrie-hoover+eyes.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It seems odd that a
female would prey on youths this way, when society vilifies males for this
behavior. We don't expect it, and don't know what to make of it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg15SH7nWkGkjlo3iclGDCVYdrtryGZm7rqzpCfLKQYLMkDD1FpuhRgjyQzQ6OifW80ax6hrvhBFveEGRk5Ct2qYwiDIJhZblzmO30J58QQTClHTl2viugHApDBCaBOhyphenhyphen18HcpUJYqKzlI/s1600/bad+doggie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg15SH7nWkGkjlo3iclGDCVYdrtryGZm7rqzpCfLKQYLMkDD1FpuhRgjyQzQ6OifW80ax6hrvhBFveEGRk5Ct2qYwiDIJhZblzmO30J58QQTClHTl2viugHApDBCaBOhyphenhyphen18HcpUJYqKzlI/s200/bad+doggie.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: 12.8px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Wanna pet my doggie?</span></b><br />
<b style="font-size: 12.8px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Barf and bite both bad.</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Too late. Her claws have
closed around him, she's wound a string around his neck, and he doesn't know
he's stopped breathing as she eases him into a narcotic unconsciousness.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Teen dating has its
perils, for sure. And it's the step-seductress, dumped by my husband, who's the
greatest risk to us all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Caution, children!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
<br />
<o:p></o:p>Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-80717836322886762652016-09-24T10:46:00.000-07:002017-01-13T00:33:40.789-08:00HypoChrist Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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What’s going
on with dating Christian terrorists? We like to blame Muslims for their intolerance and our troubles, but we are forgetting to look at our own dear God’s
faithful followers.
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Lately, I’ve
made the holy error of putting my dating faith into Christians. The title “Christian”
sounds appealing at first: virtuous, pious, trustworthy, kind, humane, does
unto others...sounds like a perfect Date.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
But wait.
Why are the majority of so-called Christians hypocrites? They’re doing good deeds
– for themselves, not others. They pretend to be noble citizens – while hurting
others without mercy. There’s a very special brand called the California
Christian. The façade is flawless, the veneer varnished, but the inside is
stained and rotting. The piousness chips right off as soon as they’re exposed
to daylight.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK0PbyLf62GadZaEZh-9usJFLi-xlvd-e1apYml1HDDY0EGJ-PLtgCCiceyhvsWDB5hGBVIjxSIJ3PfCNK_gRT2xHsNYKFrX5lQ2KufQMHr4AUPbB-J9BEs9j6hzmwAqbAFWljOnSMSCc/s1600/Jesus+saves%2521.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK0PbyLf62GadZaEZh-9usJFLi-xlvd-e1apYml1HDDY0EGJ-PLtgCCiceyhvsWDB5hGBVIjxSIJ3PfCNK_gRT2xHsNYKFrX5lQ2KufQMHr4AUPbB-J9BEs9j6hzmwAqbAFWljOnSMSCc/s1600/Jesus+saves%2521.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Jesus saves! He saves me <br />from any moral accountability!</span></span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I’m talking
about the Christian who does a walk for breast cancer, and brags about being a
good person, but makes sure her children never see their father again. Or the
Christian who forces everyone at the table to make ritualistic sign of the
cross before meals, but after wolfing down her dessert, keeps someone else’s
children prisoner as her bleached fangs glitter menacingly in the recessed lighting. You’re
not hiding anything in your artificially dimmed environment. How about the church-attending child services worker who screams and batters her own kids when they don't want to go to sleep?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Are we good
people just because we call ourselves Christian, in the name of the Father, Son
and Holy Ghouls…or is our true virtue based not on our self-adhesive labels,
but our everyday actions?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Before you
date one of these special Christians, I strongly urge you to observe them in
action. Watch as they slash others to bits for their own gain. If they are
depleted enough, you...just could be next.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Leave the
Bibles in the bedside drawer at seedy motels, and date someone genuine whose
bedside drawer contains something a little more lively! Take a peek...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Try Buddhists, for
example. You’ll find self-awareness, tranquility, peace, and a different
definition of virtue: selflessness, happiness and caring. There's never been a terrorist attack, harassment suit or custody war fought in the name of Buddhism, has there?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
They assert:
"Jesus died to forgive us our sins.” I guess that means our ancient ancestors sacrificed some guy
thousands of years ago, to neatly justify new age Christians ceaselessly sinning without remorse. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Cheers to Christian dating! Praise be-ware!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-37670097331959790252015-11-04T12:29:00.000-08:002015-11-09T22:18:26.705-08:00“Mentally ill is the New Psycho” Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Back in the
80s, it was fashionable to label an undesirable ex a “psycho.” If a
relationship turns out not to work, it’s a quick and easy shortcut to write off
the other person as deficient, or “psycho,” while you take no blame yourself.
And nowadays, the psycho label has evolved into “mentally ill.”
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
If your
mother, or sister dies, and you are not quite yourself, or you have a tiff with your neighbor, you are now officially dubbed “mentally ill.” A bad
day at the office, or worse still, fired? Mentally ill! Your kids are kidnapped…congratulations,
you’ve just become “mentally ill.” It’s simple to join this club, and nearly
impossible to get out.</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivLP8fxdideeyJ5pOrECkWatzDLeQcoLJl93QfK1MF1CdxgN1sSUi1Pc6-EMdDFwhVWCCZyNA1IPYo3MlJrKlF0tApARxL-3H3pAg4_wGX84nee4X7E5penyyU7sHnuB11wOei5nidpw8/s1600/IMG_1460.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivLP8fxdideeyJ5pOrECkWatzDLeQcoLJl93QfK1MF1CdxgN1sSUi1Pc6-EMdDFwhVWCCZyNA1IPYo3MlJrKlF0tApARxL-3H3pAg4_wGX84nee4X7E5penyyU7sHnuB11wOei5nidpw8/s320/IMG_1460.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Of course,
introspection is not an option for labelers. Having to publicly confess they’ve
done something less than perfect would be an unacceptable admission. So the
natural fallback is…mentally ill! Mental illness includes such a broad span of
afflictions! After all, the 5<sup>th</sup> edition DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Disorders) lists no less than 297 different mental disorders, and new
ones are being created all the time. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
All it takes
is a few scientists and psychologists to agree and voila – hyperactive on sugar
turns into ADHD, and grandiose egotist lacking empathy turns into narcissist.
Narcissism was inaugurated in the DSM 4<sup>th</sup> edition in 1994, and
narcissists born before that can be grandfathered in just by sending a
self-addressed, stamped envelope to Santa Claus. It’s that easy!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhovMhY8j4UuSA_OPTh3rw299DbqXm4z78CipfhWJBrAxPqjqwB_2FvVoy8SqeWyIYBysLfC-G7TxNGNrgPGN-yNRTXkQOw6eWzQm-yhMdBC1_WH8JMkgStUxozQyBPjQ3SExUwgLN-0c8/s1600/Lynda_Fembot_unmasked.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhovMhY8j4UuSA_OPTh3rw299DbqXm4z78CipfhWJBrAxPqjqwB_2FvVoy8SqeWyIYBysLfC-G7TxNGNrgPGN-yNRTXkQOw6eWzQm-yhMdBC1_WH8JMkgStUxozQyBPjQ3SExUwgLN-0c8/s200/Lynda_Fembot_unmasked.jpg" width="200" /></a>If we want
to get statistical, I use a tally of someone’s past ex-mentally-ill psychos as
a direct measure of the potential relationship’s future performance. When she
informed me her last 3 husbands were total psychos, I should have listened a bit more
closely. When he told me I was the only girlfriend of the 17 beyotches he’d dated
since high school who hadn’t gone totally mental-istic on him, I took that as a
due warning. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5B-SOjmMm1WPDGRoIEIU88AUhloEqqN_2kxqOF3T3YN7G34NjR7xUE6x6TAv35KhNo8dE4VHNwmdZeVbT4nH3RGAJSGb8Im7VBkaoTzLYUlvKSVT2IwzF2AycmrnEVLEftkfsAZB51NY/s1600/smile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5B-SOjmMm1WPDGRoIEIU88AUhloEqqN_2kxqOF3T3YN7G34NjR7xUE6x6TAv35KhNo8dE4VHNwmdZeVbT4nH3RGAJSGb8Im7VBkaoTzLYUlvKSVT2IwzF2AycmrnEVLEftkfsAZB51NY/s1600/smile.jpg" /></a>People who
lack self-awareness or the ability to be introspective are also missing the
big, giant clue: we all have a compilation of characteristics, most of which
are found in the DSM. Yes, I repeat, we all have traits of mental illness. Even
you!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So, next
time a date discards you and you’re pissed, you can safely, accurately and
legally label them mentally ill. They are deranged and require psychiatric
care, while you are the all-knowing, flawless decider of all things.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Feels good,
doesn’t it?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
XOXO,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
DS</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should
have behaved better.” </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
~ Anne
Lamott, <u>Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life</u></div>
<br />Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-15794960944149437912015-08-23T10:22:00.000-07:002015-08-23T10:58:25.277-07:00Morals Date<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For some
daters, the allure of money is so strong, it overshadows being a good person
and supersedes doing the right thing. Heather Marklein has this issue. Her big
house, SUV, two children and rockin’ dating life when her husband is away on
business don’t cancel out being an absolute slut when it comes to morals and
values.</span><br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFSBdeC2iUAD8L4s6GEBzpw6of8D8Ys3t5MqZp4S-xdOKngdga6WDjLKE_xnts4Fv4_Nw20y0CQJhcLC5ZaM_O_78VgDW6xWcsAAskWDVvRAp2DJMhhbLzbmqk3HifQQI3H6vKIkkMMOo/s1600/heather%2526tim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFSBdeC2iUAD8L4s6GEBzpw6of8D8Ys3t5MqZp4S-xdOKngdga6WDjLKE_xnts4Fv4_Nw20y0CQJhcLC5ZaM_O_78VgDW6xWcsAAskWDVvRAp2DJMhhbLzbmqk3HifQQI3H6vKIkkMMOo/s1600/heather%2526tim.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See, my crown fits and my teeth grits!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You see,
Heather is quick to dissolve a family if it puts money in her pocket. And, her
pockets are bottomless! By day, she works as an attorney’s assistant. While
she’s able to stretch a simple, straightforward marriage dissolution into years
upon years of profitable paper-pushing ($5,000 to sign this form! another grand
to draft an email! $3,000 more to schedule another useless court appearance!),
she moves extremely swiftly when she can take children away from a loving
parent. All calculations in the black.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yes, child
trafficking is popular, lucrative and it’s not that hard to do! Heather may
drag her feet on forms, but taking kids away from a divorcing parent is not
only a huge win for her reputation, it’s more money for her and her family. Immediately
upon stripping children from their father, for example, she jumps in her SUV
and races off to pick her daughter up at school, a savage smile pasted on her face.
“Hi, honey!” she cheerily chirps in her falsetto. “We destroyed another family
today, so we’re going to go buy a new patio set!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Hooray!”
beams her daughter. “Those stupid kids shouldn’t have a father anyway! We get
more stuff that way!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In this
manner, Heather infects her children with her morality. So far, the divorced
and damaged families are so beaten down they can’t rise up in protest. Heather
makes off with a bundle, and it invigorates her to do it all again.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I even heard
she made a necklace from the tongues of the children she took, and wore it
around town with pride. Silencing the children wasn’t really her fault, she
crooned, “but just look at my beautiful necklace!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">All seems
well and good for her. And it is, until the ax of morality comes down and
slices her neck.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The moral of
the story is…dirty money is a thin veil, Heather. It may pay for the dates now,
but it all comes out in the wash sooner or later. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We’re
waiting with bated breath for your fall from grace.<o:p></o:p></span>Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-91859293881325264532015-07-25T14:52:00.000-07:002015-08-23T10:54:28.148-07:00Web Date<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When I say
web date, I’m not referring to online dating. I’m referring to a specific type
of Dater who traps you in their web, like a spider’s bait, until they’re
finished with you (or more likely, you’ve been eaten alive). Have you been out
with those web dater types?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have one
who comes to mind immediately. She has fake boobs, a botox face, a charming
smile and an entertainer’s house. And you’ll have a lot of trouble getting out.
She starts out as a friend, fawning over you with generosity and attention. You
get invited to all the parties. Beware – the attention is only when it serves
her. If you’re a morning running partner or a guest who counts towards
attendance at her party then, fabulous!, you matter! Her need for control,
however, is insatiable. If you have personal, relationship or work troubles, or
don’t serve toward her guest count, she’ll be the first to savagely turn on
you.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After our
years of friendship, she was leaping at the opportunity to invite my former
spouse over for her bbq a week after he renounced our family. What wonderful
support for me and my kids! A person to count on through thick and thin…not. So
it is with these web dates. When you’re no longer attractive bait, you are
discarded like a dead, half-eaten fly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">On my
father’s 90<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup> birthday, she decided it was more important to take my
kids out on her speedboat. Now, that’s true family values! According to her, it
was a great day for a date. She beamed at them and announced, “Oh my, how
you’ve grown! A tasty meal you’ll make!” Never mind she’s against procreation
in the first place (the result, not the act). Their grandfather celebrated his
day without them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My decimarian
daughter stated her thoughts to me so eloquently, as she often does in her
sage, insightful yet offhand way. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">J9 is
just a party girl. She doesn’t really care about people or their feelings. And
she doesn’t care at all about being a good person. We know that. Luckily we
don’t see her that much, and none of us like her.</i>” Well said. An important
reminder from a perceptive young child of where web daters rank, in life
importance and kindness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Good to
start young in weeding out the web daters. Save the years of heartache and
don’t fall into the spin. Or if you do, enjoy the speedboat, bring your
insecticide, and aim for the eyes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Caught ya!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-19525150782967819372015-04-10T08:31:00.000-07:002015-04-10T08:31:00.312-07:00Where Is It? Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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If you never
know truth, you never know love.
<br />
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~ The Black
Eyed Peas</div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpYeekQkAdc">Listen. . .and sing it.</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
Are you wearing your humanity today?</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-10079679223386800682015-03-10T12:46:00.000-07:002015-03-26T15:58:33.847-07:00Sole Custody DateLately I’ve
been dealing with very territorial people.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You know the
type: highly controlling, can’t (or won’t) let go, don’t acknowledge that there
can be more than one “right” way to get it done, easily bruised when things don’t
go their way. (BIG CLUE: Life, actually, doesn’t always go your way. Once you
accept that, your sphincter will relax.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmVG3E5F6nPiL8JcT7DUVKq9UUZnj20mrntgszrabUXe43XVQW-JebostNMLrzc2YGrmdubKpZ3s-vlnP6gT8puvI2N7JyEbLzw5TGGA4lAID-7vw6GkZSYA8u_jyK2h6dfwmlfkTlgPw/s1600/at+the+helm+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmVG3E5F6nPiL8JcT7DUVKq9UUZnj20mrntgszrabUXe43XVQW-JebostNMLrzc2YGrmdubKpZ3s-vlnP6gT8puvI2N7JyEbLzw5TGGA4lAID-7vw6GkZSYA8u_jyK2h6dfwmlfkTlgPw/s1600/at+the+helm+2.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You are at the helm</span></span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
In dating,
there are a lot of people suffering from this epidemic called divorce. Over 50%
of the dating population, to be exact. The divorce often involves many
brain-dead autocrats, who collect handsome paychecks if they can keep the
divorce conflict alive and feeding on maggots, radioactive waste and other
tasty trash. These divorce-feeding officials believe they can actually control
the outcome.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Then, there
is the territorial partner a rung below the officials - the one who cannot relinquish
the battle or redirect their life - so they stay mired in court, custody
battles (they actually think children can be “owned”), relentless pursuits of
cash, and collection of as many friends and acquaintances they can recruit…while
the other partner is up, up and DATING away!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhHk2Z0CNahNZldxnEgq0V7qNSC6btyogXaCXEwhanigyBoyJQcKJX-kZufNZia4AVtD62L3AY7daJ37teT3ehbYB3bG1FrKJKB_0gxobt569LD7YpLjLJ69g4FYcDqQX7feIKY75kyl4/s1600/Any+Given+Moment.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhHk2Z0CNahNZldxnEgq0V7qNSC6btyogXaCXEwhanigyBoyJQcKJX-kZufNZia4AVtD62L3AY7daJ37teT3ehbYB3bG1FrKJKB_0gxobt569LD7YpLjLJ69g4FYcDqQX7feIKY75kyl4/s1600/Any+Given+Moment.jpg" /></a>The dating
free partner knows this: there is one sure way to permanently rid yourself of
the problem of those terrible territorial tormentors. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sole custody</b>. Sole meaning alone, and custody (a word that’s in
process of being removed from the dictionary) implying ownership.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
How do you
cut through the crap with these territorial folks and achieve sole custody?
Easy, so easy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You already
have it. The one thing you will always have is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sole custody of your life</i>. While you are alive, nobody can take
that custody from you, ever. Don’t blow it; make the most of it. Date it up,
wild and free.</div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-77857612445109412222015-02-22T16:39:00.000-08:002015-02-22T16:39:00.123-08:00STFU Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Have you
ever dated someone who barrages you with nasty texts? I don’t mean the sexy, fun kind of nasty; I mean truly mean-spirited and vengeful kind of nasty.
Dates like these deserve to be dropped. Unless, of course, it’s the stalker-ex.
Try as mightily as you might - lingering exes don’t like to let go.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3KgCJDssv9O1aB6uOt77rlLqHrMc5vaiZUcnIqEx_lRW-dHcoTFluXoqK_wNUIEoBjss5PME87tBrjLrA6GAZ2RMeLfKwJ9-i4ChWJGo6ukBvLdxIiFgFuK4QixR560YPeM-jPc5EZGc/s1600/mixed+up+jumbled+and+a+shook+up+world...except+for+L-O-L-A.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3KgCJDssv9O1aB6uOt77rlLqHrMc5vaiZUcnIqEx_lRW-dHcoTFluXoqK_wNUIEoBjss5PME87tBrjLrA6GAZ2RMeLfKwJ9-i4ChWJGo6ukBvLdxIiFgFuK4QixR560YPeM-jPc5EZGc/s1600/mixed+up+jumbled+and+a+shook+up+world...except+for+L-O-L-A.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Mixed-up, jumbled and a shook up world</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I had an
interesting text barrage from my boyfriend’s ex, Laura G. It was a one-way
conversation that escalated fury with each passing moment. I read along, amused
and somewhat stupefied that someone who I’ve never met could be throwing out
absolute value judgments and working themselves into such a frenzy of hatred. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
But let’s
face it, nobody enjoys the nasty barrage, and even the bemusement quickly wears
off. I was ready for the conversation to end. But when the ex is conversing
steadily with herself, there is no “The End.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Once she
finally wore herself down, she told me to STFU. Now, there are just so many
text acronyms these days, even as a highly evolved linguist, some of them
stump me. I puzzled over this one for a while, but what got me more was her “in
defense of all children of this world” crap. I’m a dating mother, for Christ’s
sake. I kill flies, but not children. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Some Take
Fun Uphill</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Steady Teddy,
Falling Undies</div>
Smut Takes
Fondling Underground <br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Snotty Tits
Fold Up</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzfjW7CpbcBmfGNTByI2EFC2BiH6-VslEpYC7Ik8SWhSkmi-v1TdBZczl8aMOC-KMUc28Zd9FO_kcbwylKw06qbjTllpgA3WFVJDa-MPUTEFoMFkdWBKnHKTp4q7NgZapU9w9K8ZzunMs/s1600/dont+give+a+shit.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzfjW7CpbcBmfGNTByI2EFC2BiH6-VslEpYC7Ik8SWhSkmi-v1TdBZczl8aMOC-KMUc28Zd9FO_kcbwylKw06qbjTllpgA3WFVJDa-MPUTEFoMFkdWBKnHKTp4q7NgZapU9w9K8ZzunMs/s1600/dont+give+a+shit.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Really, STFU
was out of my league. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
A year
later, a whole 365 days past due, someone told me what this elusive acronym
means. That’s it? She text barraged me for a day and then told me to shove it?
I will never understand the narrow brain passage retrofitted to some. And I
appreciate my boyfriend all the more for knowing all his Scrabble words. ILYP.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-87007359200267632362015-02-14T11:30:00.000-08:002015-08-23T10:43:26.194-07:00Destined Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDu0uh5wovZ3QgYfG3QlK1Ai5t3oT4aqvqwV82WR3qRObCSL0UXZOPddPB8mcbrXHsPnyJMcUTz7BBO0qzJWHBZhZcSsgsRba8NH1IKkhNSVYa5OfkBaIw2UQ3fQYre8x_T7AlIcmJwWE/s1600/mug+shot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDu0uh5wovZ3QgYfG3QlK1Ai5t3oT4aqvqwV82WR3qRObCSL0UXZOPddPB8mcbrXHsPnyJMcUTz7BBO0qzJWHBZhZcSsgsRba8NH1IKkhNSVYa5OfkBaIw2UQ3fQYre8x_T7AlIcmJwWE/s1600/mug+shot.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Mugshot of your heart</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
If you go on
a date consumed with how you will establish your superiority, you’ve destined
the date to flop. I don’t give a puss if you’re always right. Or really
knowledgeable about habits of small dogs. If you spend our precious time
together ensuring I will come away with the feeling that you’re better than
something, you’ve missed the mark of humanity.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I want to
know about you, faults and all, and what brings you passion. I want to know
your strong and weak parts, because that shows me you are balanced. I’m not
impressed by how much you can bench at the gym, or how many TV shows you’ve
watched in your lifetime, or even the size of your…paycheck. But I am impressed
if you’re nice to me. And if you linger a little longer in bed, or listen for a
moment before you bring me a steaming mug of coffee.</div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s easy to
dote on you when you don’t prove me wrong in every area of life. Fine, you’re
better at geometry. And I’m an excellent speller. And after that, grades don’t
matter. But how you treat people matters more than you fathomed.</div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-53212729517329282612015-01-31T23:08:00.000-08:002015-02-14T12:17:05.799-08:00Date Fate<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->He thought
he was trading up.
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But as his
workout partner overheard him complaining at the gym, “The grass really isn’t
any greener.” </div>
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<br /></div>
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In fact, the grass is dead. It’s not real grass. It’s plastic.
When you get up close to sniff it, you get poked by a synthetic blade. No fresh
and natural here.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Trophy dates can actually suck.</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
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She can’t
spell and she loves to outfit him, her way, just like his mother. She changed
the tye-dye to preppy plaid. And she’s ready to digitally remaster the kids.
Authentic from the inside out. Manners, name brands and censorship. All the
attributes that make a person whole and true. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Buy-buy, now! Thank the
Dating Gods they won’t grow up like you!</div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-8330785108537771682014-10-12T22:33:00.000-07:002014-10-12T22:34:22.602-07:00Hopeful Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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New you. New resolutions. New dates.
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNxqAS_oc-Ku_Ci_g7E-6qXyJiGsU-lPY3Jr0RLjUJl9K6GdoOW9IPIOS0VMI2GH4Jk_Ey15IPH83vI5q952TxPqMyD9f8QCpbE4d1jeQf3yr7WosG18C3W7UsHsL35EfE57nThD0TDDU/s1600/IMG_3475.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNxqAS_oc-Ku_Ci_g7E-6qXyJiGsU-lPY3Jr0RLjUJl9K6GdoOW9IPIOS0VMI2GH4Jk_Ey15IPH83vI5q952TxPqMyD9f8QCpbE4d1jeQf3yr7WosG18C3W7UsHsL35EfE57nThD0TDDU/s1600/IMG_3475.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>The only
constant in life is…change. Yes, change is constant and inevitable. My
revolving door of dating means dates change nightly. It keeps life exciting!
Why settle for the same dull and drab person when you can constantly exchange
them for someone else? There is no shortage of humans on earth, so why should
there be a shortage of dates, or boyfriends, or husbands? </div>
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<br /></div>
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In this day
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to reflect on past damage when new dates are awaiting. No U-turns allowed.</div>
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Have hope.
Keep recycling. And don’t look back!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-59931404591577646552014-09-08T13:45:00.000-07:002014-09-08T13:45:00.374-07:00Twist of Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5NGj_a8GA54qqO9F9v9MSLJSboAxD4XOUweY5klgz5WkRpdF_GBBFWnxLG6e25OHKNI5lmrqmjCnMuSw4zcmtSDdIMXt9-eYHaNHcNdzy1vNbJUVT8Gozw47639lWuWePL-z6PeATmgA/s1600/IMG_1043.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5NGj_a8GA54qqO9F9v9MSLJSboAxD4XOUweY5klgz5WkRpdF_GBBFWnxLG6e25OHKNI5lmrqmjCnMuSw4zcmtSDdIMXt9-eYHaNHcNdzy1vNbJUVT8Gozw47639lWuWePL-z6PeATmgA/s1600/IMG_1043.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a>We don’t
know the journey when we start out. We think we’ve picked the path, but turns
out that trail is closed. So we take a detour. And follow some breadcrumbs. And
hope that we’re not in the same woods as Hansel and Gretel, lest the witch’s
candy distract us. We plod on. Sometimes with flashlights, the only
illumination being the beam directly ahead. The rest dark and shrouded in
mystery. And that, my dating friend, ends up being our life.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;">What
is love but a series of small decisions made under impossible circumstances?
One by one, they add up to years.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;">~ <u>A
Seahorse Year</u> by Stacey D’Erasmo</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwI6ytAfwtlzoRTtIuXofhjfGYrn64QFNrtK9FRAohrAsz1mn17reoMbM7Y8aipiD5sQZCr5mq-G8MM_QJf_AqIYKSLq_fWpmJd-dYG1PKyTGvqRclki8nJTSZEUNvxkIGUgN91L8Z0FI/s1600/love+live.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwI6ytAfwtlzoRTtIuXofhjfGYrn64QFNrtK9FRAohrAsz1mn17reoMbM7Y8aipiD5sQZCr5mq-G8MM_QJf_AqIYKSLq_fWpmJd-dYG1PKyTGvqRclki8nJTSZEUNvxkIGUgN91L8Z0FI/s1600/love+live.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-67506249165432162032014-08-31T10:26:00.000-07:002014-08-31T10:26:00.325-07:00Truth or Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Would you
rather be honest, or daring?
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Are they
mutually exclusive?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZW4yq_agxaZZZpYvwh7N4fJvNWQetSq_aKow2L1sc98LZm7Io2uXFf-0mmjXZVp0hdyJuwLBMOd1weMnW4BKK22N1PbpBOCAqaUkJVYhCv-R953sFDTyQ1YrsTvvPQ4C0fIQhWB4u_kg/s1600/curtis&lola.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZW4yq_agxaZZZpYvwh7N4fJvNWQetSq_aKow2L1sc98LZm7Io2uXFf-0mmjXZVp0hdyJuwLBMOd1weMnW4BKK22N1PbpBOCAqaUkJVYhCv-R953sFDTyQ1YrsTvvPQ4C0fIQhWB4u_kg/s1600/curtis&lola.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
A date I
went on was worried about his wife stealing his money in the event of a
divorce. He concluded that he would hide his money from his wife while they
were married. Then, when he divorced her, he would have his money safely hidden
away. She would be poor, and he would be rich.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
On our date,
I pointed out that if his wife found out about this, she might lose all trust
in him. She might then conclude he is lying about other things, whether he is
or not. Losing trust creates a tremendous relationship problem. My date paused,
not having considered this. “Yeah, maybe lying isn’t the best idea…” he finally
decided. “I’ll just give the money to you to hide instead.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Did you ever
think about the unintended consequences? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Of course
you didn’t; they were unintended. </div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUghi4hRNoaQ7XjTgIsnARgWxEujLgBEtXt88fb7vYggmZyH5zW6e9YUu1m4O8Z828GZAR2EslAHuMGp0RTy4SBmJiUp9JBfcX9Ot64NO0SK2XwKitFv3FjpFPE59Bf028M4Lzk_ZlqPs/s1600/just+divorced.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUghi4hRNoaQ7XjTgIsnARgWxEujLgBEtXt88fb7vYggmZyH5zW6e9YUu1m4O8Z828GZAR2EslAHuMGp0RTy4SBmJiUp9JBfcX9Ot64NO0SK2XwKitFv3FjpFPE59Bf028M4Lzk_ZlqPs/s1600/just+divorced.jpeg" /></a></div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-89004179646339858932014-08-13T16:03:00.000-07:002014-08-13T16:03:00.458-07:00Better Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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In this
whole, big, global world, it’s harder to find a mate, because we’re all looking
for someone BETTER.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Ordinary
isn’t good enough.</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpmVfXB3IcipfHNKVyIL9TW_6H_9eNsDQHojlLnyFTSLxrYYRt-baTbygiYKqXBKm4lww39uN1F51Q8jYFYsoLNVTHchVE4Y_x2el891ssuvoMDDKz6lly3eIIVEQXTsFZKrU4ASrxP2g/s1600/IMG_3598.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpmVfXB3IcipfHNKVyIL9TW_6H_9eNsDQHojlLnyFTSLxrYYRt-baTbygiYKqXBKm4lww39uN1F51Q8jYFYsoLNVTHchVE4Y_x2el891ssuvoMDDKz6lly3eIIVEQXTsFZKrU4ASrxP2g/s1600/IMG_3598.JPG" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Screening for better</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Satisfactory
is…just that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Even
extraordinary has its drawbacks.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
They don’t
make ‘em like they used to…they make ‘em better.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So hurry out
to your local dealer now, and trade in your used model, for the new <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">better</i> one.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
The defects
won’t show in the first 6-7 months.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Then, when defects do emerge, as they inevitably do, you can simply upgrade to a better
model.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
This way,
you never have to deal with reality, shortcumings or repairs.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
And you’ll
feel so much better too!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I’ve been
discarding for decades ~ that’s what keeps me alive and Dating Suburban.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZznNI4olA-8-p5ixbHt1Pqpxi_k28wSkQU_zxKd_BQS4858fXkdzbnpy7Y9MdWFo_Qd-H2KkY5L3vImpH8oSvEMPRUcimDeFn2cW6ujqZS2IoeCHMGfoiq749qNbQFjhvCqPGB8_faxk/s1600/throwaway+times.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZznNI4olA-8-p5ixbHt1Pqpxi_k28wSkQU_zxKd_BQS4858fXkdzbnpy7Y9MdWFo_Qd-H2KkY5L3vImpH8oSvEMPRUcimDeFn2cW6ujqZS2IoeCHMGfoiq749qNbQFjhvCqPGB8_faxk/s1600/throwaway+times.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You can do
better too…for superior results, upgrade today!</div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-717596403243069682014-08-01T14:50:00.000-07:002014-08-01T14:50:00.016-07:00Boots Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I’m having a
love affair with high leather boots. Suede boots are nice too.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So I
splurged and bought a few. Matching sets so I appear symmetrical.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOEERA1SbM7rDPOJT3pv-qOb9K33ZUs3TypgQtiyYMF4zhecDQj5iHmaZ18jvwK9-AR4Hqj-WHQz4yxUgA1KOhnj5gukTHlnUwuY5dZU6DtS8O139hV7FDZpcEXwhZtXFkqQehUgbETho/s1600/IMG_3517.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOEERA1SbM7rDPOJT3pv-qOb9K33ZUs3TypgQtiyYMF4zhecDQj5iHmaZ18jvwK9-AR4Hqj-WHQz4yxUgA1KOhnj5gukTHlnUwuY5dZU6DtS8O139hV7FDZpcEXwhZtXFkqQehUgbETho/s1600/IMG_3517.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
The point is
– whatever you need to do to feel sexy, do it. You owe it to yourself. Your
mate will probably like the sexy you as well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I got my
boots on sale. And I wear them when there’s no snow. That’s sexy too.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-34905072786060957332014-07-15T22:59:00.003-07:002014-07-15T23:03:07.721-07:00I Love You If...Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I was
married to an “I love you IF…” person.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi29gwMuvZ08kYPPVZub6WIUYQ5auWKr2jJkpPjPCmrMVMiav7d-wqVxJB0ZHIrHbu1aYzRBV94guUxaJM1fmhSihCz4gW8-p0aWlslx4DWPa3QJvYEZGCUG7oh-wum7bxw4yWKaGbUp8I/s1600/IMG_9290.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi29gwMuvZ08kYPPVZub6WIUYQ5auWKr2jJkpPjPCmrMVMiav7d-wqVxJB0ZHIrHbu1aYzRBV94guUxaJM1fmhSihCz4gW8-p0aWlslx4DWPa3QJvYEZGCUG7oh-wum7bxw4yWKaGbUp8I/s1600/IMG_9290.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Dating
Suburban, I love you IF you are attractive, skinny, and fun. I love you if you
let me watch TV whenever I want. I love you if you allow me to lie to you about
money and my whereabouts. I love you if we spend all holidays with my side of
the family. I love you if you entertain the children while I cook. I love you
if we have friends over for a Superbowl party. I love you if you are not
allergic to dogs and cats. I love you if you do exactly as I say.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
By a slim
stroke of uck (you can add an “L” or an “F” to the front of that word – your choice)
I escaped that noose. Now, I’m dating an “I love you BECAUSE…” person.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I love you
because you’re beautiful. I love you because you’re tired. I love you because
you forgot to flush the toilet. I love you because you got fired from the job
you hated anyway. I love you because you go to court to protect your kids from
Crusty the Horr instead of going on a date with me, me and me. I love you
because you read books. I love you because you can do things I cannot do, and I
can learn from you. I love you because you talk to me. I love you because you
care. I love you because you don’t.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb13hEtu89nZrOjnnBu2P4tqyWrIEo7kDOzfCizDdGwGOG5fp9JEW5U6dYCFJpoIH8dgkbpqLaCMs9ZYOkEVKP8z_IbJlNhjTk32B-S4dz2V-PmqwC2evKF8LW3SUhfZBYRuTEMcTViOg/s1600/IMG_1483.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb13hEtu89nZrOjnnBu2P4tqyWrIEo7kDOzfCizDdGwGOG5fp9JEW5U6dYCFJpoIH8dgkbpqLaCMs9ZYOkEVKP8z_IbJlNhjTk32B-S4dz2V-PmqwC2evKF8LW3SUhfZBYRuTEMcTViOg/s1600/IMG_1483.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a>So when you’re
out there dating, desperately searching online for the person who will love you
if you are exactly what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they</i> ordered,
give it up now. Stay home and sulk, or take a bath. There may be 1000 of those iffy
daters, but it’s so much better to wait for the because dater. The person who
appreciates you for exactly who YOU are, not exactly who they want you to morph
into each day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
BECAUSE IF you hold out, I promise you the rewards will fulfill
the emptiest, darkest nights.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><b>“Because,
because, because, because, because – because of the wonderful things he does.”</b></i>
Or is.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
~ Wizard of
Oz</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-74419801448115813712014-06-24T09:30:00.000-07:002014-06-24T09:30:02.627-07:00F-Word DateMy favorite
F word is…free.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You may have
been thinking I’d say something else. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Well, I like
that one too.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
But here’s
why FREE is so important to me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I live in
America, which boasts a tagline of “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Land
of the Free, Home of the Brave</i>.”</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5jPqaZDM85B62ZViDfsw3Kch9QzyTiUamCVv8saZW2tM_w5nZscr_SRvOCH84x1M-q1bNIGGjmfYiqJOS86y4csFKZ6xEjpMQJjXncw-Z-JjZG-i3iNfdKzyiNg-uJ1KJISLiW6oczsM/s1600/IMG_3559.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5jPqaZDM85B62ZViDfsw3Kch9QzyTiUamCVv8saZW2tM_w5nZscr_SRvOCH84x1M-q1bNIGGjmfYiqJOS86y4csFKZ6xEjpMQJjXncw-Z-JjZG-i3iNfdKzyiNg-uJ1KJISLiW6oczsM/s1600/IMG_3559.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Pass the bubbly!</b></span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
And I used
to actually believe I lived in a free country: free speech, freedom of press –
freedom to make choices given the many options available to us lucky Americans.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Guess what? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Once you sign a marriage contract, you are not free. And if your
partner decides you’re not worth their love and divorces you, you will never be
free again. That’s
because a once-upon-a-time marriage gone sour gives license for the other
person to torture you, for the rest of their lives.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkxaZlv_9IP5HvwHiLGPAlY2-Oz1Aa0MC7E-JOqrMdvuT9bH8nK4eOq0-TPP9c2tK6m3P_4cNUhtxwVNAYSXhdFNV_ZlNLx9c5kgSLnKE0qAGyXgjCo3hFQ3TKb1U2Q4xYPcwyupidCGA/s1600/BS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkxaZlv_9IP5HvwHiLGPAlY2-Oz1Aa0MC7E-JOqrMdvuT9bH8nK4eOq0-TPP9c2tK6m3P_4cNUhtxwVNAYSXhdFNV_ZlNLx9c5kgSLnKE0qAGyXgjCo3hFQ3TKb1U2Q4xYPcwyupidCGA/s1600/BS.jpg" /></a></div>
</td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It's</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> all fun and games...</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">til someone loses a kid.</span></b></span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></b></span><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></b></span><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></b></span><span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></b></span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
If you have
kids and a house, forget it.<br />
You might as
well jump off the Empire State Building right now, because the hell you will
live through makes this free-fall sound very attractive. You’ll be
free-falling anyway, but not in fresh New York air like you would if you just
jumped.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
This kind of
free-fall is a fall from your freedom.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
If your
spouse is especially idiotic (Tom, Laura) and takes you to court, you may as
well flee the country. The
courtroom is no place anyone in their right mind wants to be; except Tom and
Laura apparently like it. They feel at
home with authoritarian small-minded bureaucrats, who allow kidnapping of
children, because setting the children free would generate more paperwork than
these automatons are already pushing.<br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgue_KGM4OcAVKvzEJxQ-5rmI-6ic97UCYL15EOuS0x8F19MDYRIsv3Q36wd_IZBUsB-N7MiJjwMyH7s5S1e1yZKp8NHzIgyagmgX4ZymPiRQJbv6PPuyKvHVJ885-XiX3Ww6i547F2KnE/s1600/IMG_3629.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgue_KGM4OcAVKvzEJxQ-5rmI-6ic97UCYL15EOuS0x8F19MDYRIsv3Q36wd_IZBUsB-N7MiJjwMyH7s5S1e1yZKp8NHzIgyagmgX4ZymPiRQJbv6PPuyKvHVJ885-XiX3Ww6i547F2KnE/s1600/IMG_3629.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Take my freedom = heart amputation</span></b></span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The children
will eventually claim their own freedom, but not under the court’s crooked
crossed eye. And when
they do, I recommend you jump, because hitting the pavement hard will feel
better than the blow you’re gonna get.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><i>Live Free or
Die</i></b>, says the state of New Hampshire. I don’t live there, but I love it.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Freedom, and groove, are in the heart. </div>
</div>
<br />
<br />Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-42124706908881744382014-06-16T22:31:00.001-07:002014-06-16T22:47:03.346-07:00Nail Me Now Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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This is
about nailing. And not the kind of nailing you’re probably thinking of. I’m
talking about getting my nails done in preparation for a date.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>Makeup makes me oh-so-perfect!</b></span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Do guys even
like painted nails? Do guys find these brightly colored acrylics attractive or
artificial? What about lipstick? Is it gross to kiss me when I have ricinus
communis seed oil-polybutene-stearalkonium hectorit-titanium dioxide-carbomer-propylene
glycol and good ol’ fashioned lead on my lips? Or is that appetizing?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Because us
girls are going to great lengths for these often frustrating beauty routines.
And it’s time we know if it’s worth it to you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
This weekend
I went to get my nails painted so I’d look more like Barbie for my date. First
mistake: I had a coupon. At the nail salon I frequent, they hate you if you’re
getting a discount. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Why publish a coupon if you’re going to punish your
customers for using it? I don’t get that. But I succumbed to the torture in order
to save a lousy 2 dollars, in order to get treated like a worthless piece of
poo.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
As soon as
they realized I possessed a coupon, all spa pampering was off. The pedicurist's leg massage
turned into an angry kneading. My toes never got the glossy topcoat, the one
that makes the nail job last. The manicurist actually stood up and yanked my
arm up at an awkward angle. She then brusquely and harshly slapped on the polish.
It looked like a 3-year-old child had painted my nails – missed spots, polish
all over my cuticles - messy mess. I gave them double the cost of the “treatment” and they
refused to give me any change. I guess I was obligated to tip highly for using the
fateful coupon.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC5Bg-AOTG4c7cE-THU5gfyteDLGCgEsHvlwny11vbaTm9tpVuyahC6dgne07oYEshxXRZsmTiy67haxQaGMI3xFK5xivgczTBvCcyE-zKmNERE0pRfwWHit6wqSZaYffh7-BQJN318Jg/s1600/nails.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC5Bg-AOTG4c7cE-THU5gfyteDLGCgEsHvlwny11vbaTm9tpVuyahC6dgne07oYEshxXRZsmTiy67haxQaGMI3xFK5xivgczTBvCcyE-zKmNERE0pRfwWHit6wqSZaYffh7-BQJN318Jg/s1600/nails.jpg" height="272" width="320" /></a> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So instead
of being relaxed and feeling pampered, I was stressed, broke and pissed. All
for a date. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Would you
nail me now?</div>
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Did you ever
go on a date to have a baby?
<br />
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That’s
right. You heard me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You reached
that point in life when it was TIME. The next Dater in your path was your
target. You were ready to bring another human being into the world, and all you
needed was the perfect partner.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You had
unprotected sex, careless sex, and you were fine with the fact that you two
might become parents.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Were you married?
Maybe. Maybe not. No matter! Marriage is certainly not a prerequisite to becoming
a parent. In fact, there are very few prerequisites. Perhaps, for our own
protection and sanity, there should be a more challenging admissions process.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpRQ2aTawJtVXPy7IaNYVYIFxfZG6bsXgBYzbwHJH7OQp2MC6H4xaZldpb2cCL5-SCqS7DqBX0k8-MM-8xVBzcDabi57v-ElHSGEPjGqZWcEV_o35S_ISsB1Q4ETid4HnYpFAigdVIhfs/s1600/baby+times.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpRQ2aTawJtVXPy7IaNYVYIFxfZG6bsXgBYzbwHJH7OQp2MC6H4xaZldpb2cCL5-SCqS7DqBX0k8-MM-8xVBzcDabi57v-ElHSGEPjGqZWcEV_o35S_ISsB1Q4ETid4HnYpFAigdVIhfs/s1600/baby+times.jpg" height="284" width="320" /></a>Making the
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clearly in the heat of the moment, when it seemed like such a fabulous idea.</div>
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<br /></div>
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They don’t
come with a detailed instruction manual – or even a quick-start guide. Kids are
not made-to-order. Even genetics doesn’t guarantee what you’ll get. The recipe
doesn’t come out as planned. But then again, does life ever go as planned? Mine
certainly hasn’t.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So if you’ve
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idea…well…you’ve seen the warning label. Kids will ruin your life and you’ll
love them more than anything you’ve ever imagined.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Or, you could just dry hump instead.</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicW1Oz3uR1R8ZUUWzZ0kKoZTWamCrTB2zxKgFWwiiEzRTPeZ7A-xD-v5Dcl_PMJXaaGhMqBu3FHP4fYThDo6XeEa1D-wcGQEeWtStKeW5HgZSo3cWb2yxT4DHzqjMBbed0YZ5zRVW3IgY/s1600/IMG_3577.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicW1Oz3uR1R8ZUUWzZ0kKoZTWamCrTB2zxKgFWwiiEzRTPeZ7A-xD-v5Dcl_PMJXaaGhMqBu3FHP4fYThDo6XeEa1D-wcGQEeWtStKeW5HgZSo3cWb2yxT4DHzqjMBbed0YZ5zRVW3IgY/s1600/IMG_3577.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
~ “There are
many routes to joy. Most of them are detours.” ~</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-72591690399599334802014-05-02T00:34:00.000-07:002014-05-02T00:34:00.017-07:00Hopelessly Hetero Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Girlfriends
make great lovers. They are attentive, caring, understanding, empathetic, fun
and they pay attention to your needs. As my beautiful, smart girlfriend of all
time pointed out: “I’d date you, except for the fact that I’m Hopelessly
Hetero.”
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg37f3ZWTZfG876vfolsAiqi9FW4AJDCTyeeqt1M0wG-FF3oDFuRYcK5GzM3p96Vwb_WM5x3QAtOc7Fp1C1AU62yYarmYWVvo7OSgyIrNHrjpfbQi0a9N0tGsycdseZoC6e-O0ZLu16xqI/s1600/dazzle+me.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg37f3ZWTZfG876vfolsAiqi9FW4AJDCTyeeqt1M0wG-FF3oDFuRYcK5GzM3p96Vwb_WM5x3QAtOc7Fp1C1AU62yYarmYWVvo7OSgyIrNHrjpfbQi0a9N0tGsycdseZoC6e-O0ZLu16xqI/s1600/dazzle+me.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a>I agree that
you probably shouldn’t force something that isn’t there, especially when it
comes to sexuality. But think how easy it would be if dating didn’t have to
consider gender.</div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-20523748425469410992014-04-18T16:33:00.000-07:002014-04-18T16:33:00.849-07:00Candyland Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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There is an
off-label use for Candyland. Like so many for-profit pharmaceutical
concoctions, the child’s board game is only a façade. The off-label uses
prevail, and drive real profits. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgudfgl5CyL9kNlr_tPCo5PUGBEnWOqhhMR7JaD12i_P9NQFXRu4jU9N1kE4Rn4zo_3UZTj__FRPKBhuOinhmWj5K_GYnD72kPpNpJ_62hBWjCauzcXciEdxdl5oSHcnv8Xb7IQeWBqtXs/s1600/IMG_1549.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgudfgl5CyL9kNlr_tPCo5PUGBEnWOqhhMR7JaD12i_P9NQFXRu4jU9N1kE4Rn4zo_3UZTj__FRPKBhuOinhmWj5K_GYnD72kPpNpJ_62hBWjCauzcXciEdxdl5oSHcnv8Xb7IQeWBqtXs/s1600/IMG_1549.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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“If only I’d
drawn plum, earlier in the game, I might have not lost my kids,” one user
lamented. Yes, Candyland is widely used to determine custody rights. So, you
can be a parent for 10 years without question, but once entered into divorce
court, a date with Candyland could be your instant demise. Determinations on
your parental abilities come from a 20-minute observation period. You, kids and
Candyland.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZVtwEXrvEhiIfpF3mbdY7UzSV3rwxiw93fYgB1R12BGGQeNbxEa3hP3zb7-WPAg2q6J2BPDNN5tr8KttzLxvuCMCtTMm7jyp0d5q671ZSV1yrfdUgVLRHj1O_RRvQT4qISVdNAxTQgBQ/s1600/rules.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZVtwEXrvEhiIfpF3mbdY7UzSV3rwxiw93fYgB1R12BGGQeNbxEa3hP3zb7-WPAg2q6J2BPDNN5tr8KttzLxvuCMCtTMm7jyp0d5q671ZSV1yrfdUgVLRHj1O_RRvQT4qISVdNAxTQgBQ/s1600/rules.JPG" height="148" width="320" /></a>Never mind
my daughter does manic cartwheels in the small enclosed room when she wins,
sending a crack spidering up the 2-way mirror. I’m more concerned about my son
who just lost to Queen Ice Cream. In a fit of unabashed rage, he has upended
the board and is gritting his teeth and growling like a coyote. My other son,
who also lost, has decided to fan the remaining cards around the tiny room,
creating a multitude of games of 52-pickup for the evaluator. My parenting
skills based on this display? F-. That’s a fail. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZVtwEXrvEhiIfpF3mbdY7UzSV3rwxiw93fYgB1R12BGGQeNbxEa3hP3zb7-WPAg2q6J2BPDNN5tr8KttzLxvuCMCtTMm7jyp0d5q671ZSV1yrfdUgVLRHj1O_RRvQT4qISVdNAxTQgBQ/s1600/rules.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT-qRFL1MFt2O7H5JQwzn02qDj6rhTp1khjCf2y2a8fHJ4B6aCz6bEFsAsvueCJL6pcka6K27Lddwmbc4xnJKgWG4mrXJOaxK9pWJgkuejag-fa1Y5FgGR3y97taMUlSirVdH9RM2jYQw/s1600/IMG_1164.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT-qRFL1MFt2O7H5JQwzn02qDj6rhTp1khjCf2y2a8fHJ4B6aCz6bEFsAsvueCJL6pcka6K27Lddwmbc4xnJKgWG4mrXJOaxK9pWJgkuejag-fa1Y5FgGR3y97taMUlSirVdH9RM2jYQw/s1600/IMG_1164.JPG" height="153" width="320" /></a> </div>
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This date,
sounding so sweet like candy, has ended in the tragic loss of my children for
life. Until they’re 18. When they may vaguely remember this ridiculous game and
the fate it delivered. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Dating
etiquette tip: don’t accept candy from strangers. Especially when it’s a court
date!</div>
<br />
<br />
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<br />
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My good
friend Amber Disk-In (I think she prefers Diks-In) has dispensed some fantastic
dating advice over the years. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRhHr5FN8JBR3pcmCD4aK1N9Qr8t3lM363Wb1sY0Ay7rSod1ZXZnRAdn4TpNw4_c7le8AdAxPAeoghZ4RiK8kSoqUdhtA_I0T_jKbfdlosiDznzmpAPK_gKuoF3XrGh9pBpZBFF2agEN0/s1600/Amber+Diskin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRhHr5FN8JBR3pcmCD4aK1N9Qr8t3lM363Wb1sY0Ay7rSod1ZXZnRAdn4TpNw4_c7le8AdAxPAeoghZ4RiK8kSoqUdhtA_I0T_jKbfdlosiDznzmpAPK_gKuoF3XrGh9pBpZBFF2agEN0/s1600/Amber+Diskin.jpg" /></a>By far her
best advice is directed to married people. She asserts, “There comes a time
when you have to realize you can have a better life than the one you have.
Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to you and your wife to meet new people who are
better suited for you both? Your kids will adjust. You can do things you never
could do on the weekends you give away your kids. It’s a win-win! XO”</div>
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<br /></div>
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Amber’s amberlicious
advice comes with tried-and-true experience. As owner of The Pet Nanny, she
easily translates her experiences with furry fluffy animal friends to real
people. She offers “tender loving care of your animal children” and she thinks
she understands the needs of real human children as well. Animal babies get
separated from their parents all the time, and Amber believes this successfully
correlates to human babies as well. Based on her extensive cuddle time with
brainless furbeasts, she knows a lot about feeding, walking, watering of
property and detonating families. She even advocates “customized needs per
client.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Folks at her
own Canyon Springs High School have reaped (or is it raped?) rewards from her
customized advice. Far and wide, married couples have reconsidered their vows
and ventured out to dating planets. Amber’s own sister loves her divorce, and
has become best friends with the husband she kicked to the curb. Doug E and
Selena M had an especially lovely parting, complete with Amber’s animal
counterparts in the admiring audience.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Everyone is
better off dating!” she exclaims. “I value commitment and whatnot. Commitment
to playing the field! </div>
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<br /></div>
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Her motto is
“<span class="st"><span style="font-family: "Segoe Script","sans-serif";">Live
every day like it's your last, no regrets, and love like it's the first time,
every time.</span>”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="st">Considering she’s pushing 38 and has no marital prospects herself,
it’s clear Amber’s dating advice brings lasting hap-penis.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEYsOAG1bZDNqjUszO1x34-qMNKnRHBvSFRQPVM040B3uWts_lcbC5_M40AT_Yxiw-wL99FPj-ov8NnLtssEqs8ieHmcaAq5RBeioMaXp2_77vSsfVLJqWY6C4KjbIUFdt6uG6UDPF0wI/s1600/Carrie-2013.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEYsOAG1bZDNqjUszO1x34-qMNKnRHBvSFRQPVM040B3uWts_lcbC5_M40AT_Yxiw-wL99FPj-ov8NnLtssEqs8ieHmcaAq5RBeioMaXp2_77vSsfVLJqWY6C4KjbIUFdt6uG6UDPF0wI/s1600/Carrie-2013.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Warning label: Dating horrors can result. Can be fatal if swallowed.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-67171545852350423822014-03-19T19:14:00.000-07:002014-03-24T00:15:16.427-07:00Checking In Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVZSOZqLsNTr5Wlj13byUizvGOKysXHg-kFGywYvbgDTtvsmB5GyGMrmhmEfO8pYEq1Ok4VpDOBxCIIRZ6CO7bH2f1hdts-GyFTJboeFiwSInd6XycEdf5zs2h_zE-m3gtjcIaeRJMLDM/s1600/life+going+down+toilet.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVZSOZqLsNTr5Wlj13byUizvGOKysXHg-kFGywYvbgDTtvsmB5GyGMrmhmEfO8pYEq1Ok4VpDOBxCIIRZ6CO7bH2f1hdts-GyFTJboeFiwSInd6XycEdf5zs2h_zE-m3gtjcIaeRJMLDM/s1600/life+going+down+toilet.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>It always
seems pathetic when a date is too clingy. And the more they cling, the more you
repel is how it goes, right? My boy recently received an email from a
stalker-type date. She wanted to know, “Where were you? Did you go to soccer
practice? Why don’t we spend more time together? Don’t you love me?”</div>
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<br /></div>
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That kind of
dating micromanagement irks even the calmest of daters. Why don’t you just
plant a GPS in my armpit, while I’m sleeping? Then I won’t have to answer your
nuisance questions about my whereabouts, and you can entertain yourself
following me around.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And what do
you want to bet that relationship will be over in a blink. Checkmate, date.</div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-36327907883940772852014-02-12T22:28:00.000-08:002014-02-12T22:28:00.695-08:00Watch Your Back Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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People lie
by nature. Not all people tell big, bad lies. But enough people tell little
lies for them to add up to one big one. Living a lie, you might say.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Certainly
lies have their use, such as in the courtroom, or to get you out of going on a
date when you’d rather be home picking your nose in front of the television (or
fireplace, in my case). Rather than hurt a date’s feelings, I have a convenient
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Top 50 Easiest Lies List</b> I refer to
from time to time. I don’t think anyone’s on to me yet, so let me impart just a
few:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“I didn’t see your text.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“I didn’t have my phone all day.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“My voicemail is full.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“I’ve changed my e-mail address.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“I was out of town.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“My kids were sick, and I mean puking
everywhere.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“I had a major deadline at work.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“I love your haircut.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“Your father is a nice man.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“I’m unemployed and can’t afford dinner.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“I already saw that movie.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“I just turned 21.”</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLeQxVN4bz3fOUtu-YpK1O8HypXT-d35lj8wE3ngOMQIh6F-YijXfiENYKxemlvJlb4prhNbzt0WNqdmC5_kx0rgBPzS8FnB-c4Abq_T8pxouBlTb5Kh7zKJAoFfaxTMby8Z3tRrfL6Ds/s1600/Tyler+S.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLeQxVN4bz3fOUtu-YpK1O8HypXT-d35lj8wE3ngOMQIh6F-YijXfiENYKxemlvJlb4prhNbzt0WNqdmC5_kx0rgBPzS8FnB-c4Abq_T8pxouBlTb5Kh7zKJAoFfaxTMby8Z3tRrfL6Ds/s1600/Tyler+S.jpg" height="318" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Your back is unprotected in love and lies.</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>“I’ll never love again.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Harmless,
right? In small quantities, dating lies serve many purposes. The problem lies
(that’s not a pun) in the gradual spreading of lies throughout your day, lies seeping
in through the cracks and pervading all else. Before you know it, you are an
expert liar. Lying is dating skill that will first kill any relationship, then
kill you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I’m not
lying. Watch your back.</div>
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<![endif]-->Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174057423535385498.post-43140605781015822112014-02-04T17:07:00.000-08:002014-04-11T10:40:28.675-07:00Respectful Date<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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People are
talking about respect these days. Chant with me: R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Dear Mother:</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv2BNhXZGJQ6EHSwuq94hyphenhyphenafbV4-IkFM6vGoZP27WIcm6j8HmZBS9QAqbHGQQLtVzj9_2QYU4y2lirQTCknPsVji5s6GhQcfBmTjzdwU7rVHAr7CRnnmiWtkQsrZ9YF5Br5gA8jm39vDM/s1600/due+respect.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv2BNhXZGJQ6EHSwuq94hyphenhyphenafbV4-IkFM6vGoZP27WIcm6j8HmZBS9QAqbHGQQLtVzj9_2QYU4y2lirQTCknPsVji5s6GhQcfBmTjzdwU7rVHAr7CRnnmiWtkQsrZ9YF5Br5gA8jm39vDM/s1600/due+respect.jpg" height="200" width="164" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Gargoyles who kidnap</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Even though
I’ve stolen your children from you, you should not be angry at me. I’m a super
person. With fake eyelashes and a fake tan, I can teach your children a lot
about what it means to be beautiful and humane. Plus, I love to shop til I
drop, and I buy them clothes like they’re my little paper doll set. If only
they were really made of thin cardboard and didn’t have such three-dimensional
personalities. I also love to sit on my brand new couch and watch TV, while I
watch your children clean my house and my dog poo. Like really, I am here to
provide stabilization for your children. I’ve made up nicknames for them, and
I’m even allowing you to borrow my nicknames, because I’m so super. Just
because my IQ is a lot lower than yours doesn’t mean I’m dumb. I’m a super
person and I’m making sure your kids are…well, brainwashed. So their brains are
nice and clean.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Respectfully,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe Script","sans-serif";">The Child Kidnapping Gargoyle</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi86AMCkofi6ED-mklIEuyU38spYnAYqsM1l6d44B5KSsRMuU-iLMEPgWMZtBJaL2bFraM6ihReS9szgCq3IzZwABGytoEqgfbNDur4uEILGfa_ihi-fxgCeIgf2yMoDyj_zwYEUpH3cFs/s1600/ugly+heartbeats.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi86AMCkofi6ED-mklIEuyU38spYnAYqsM1l6d44B5KSsRMuU-iLMEPgWMZtBJaL2bFraM6ihReS9szgCq3IzZwABGytoEqgfbNDur4uEILGfa_ihi-fxgCeIgf2yMoDyj_zwYEUpH3cFs/s1600/ugly+heartbeats.jpg" height="280" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Dear Child Kidnapping Gargoyle:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You stole my
children.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Super-dumb
or not, you’re missing the main point.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
See you in
the woods.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
With all due
respect (which is none),</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe Script","sans-serif";">Mother Bear</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYxF3-hzH7FbjehnRh465JHkbkdlXvP4ZFqkdDU6XjBANcOyhIW8eMDWTThsq1SGJCZM7JrxNzsWpmCACw7m9Inlo1FmJ5oDMcnTVZ_JNPr_t3wRl6b5AjmdCshfrkbYolK_jrvlMRFMg/s1600/peace+at+8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYxF3-hzH7FbjehnRh465JHkbkdlXvP4ZFqkdDU6XjBANcOyhIW8eMDWTThsq1SGJCZM7JrxNzsWpmCACw7m9Inlo1FmJ5oDMcnTVZ_JNPr_t3wRl6b5AjmdCshfrkbYolK_jrvlMRFMg/s1600/peace+at+8.jpg" height="148" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>I can respect that</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Dating Suburbanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953161886523166077noreply@blogger.com0