22 April 2012

Things I Can't & Won't Stand 4 Date

There are several key things I absolutely cannot stand in a relationship.
Yet I continue to put up with them. Why?

·         Lying by omission – This is the worst. White lies, seemingly harmless half truths, meant to protect the innocent, are actually a crushing blow when left unmanaged. Hiring a personal trainer for $700/month, deciding not to pay mortgage principal, forgetting to mention you are telling bimbos at work about our sex life, keeping dateable co-workers waiting in the wings, hiding your wife at your apartment for a month, pretending to set my husband up with “workout partners,” telling your wife I’m a drunken failure when in fact I’m a brilliant writer. Seemingly minor betrayals that balloon into larger-than-life lies. You know the type. We’ve all done these things, no? Just don’t get caught, by me. I don’t like it.

·         Not being #1 – Why bother dating someone if you’re not their priority? Yeah, so you have to clean up the dog doo in your yard, bring your mother-in-law to the urologist weekly, pay your X her alimony right this minute, have yet ANOTHER conversation with your wife about the taxes you “forgot” to pay for 5 years. Oh, and you couldn’t text me back because your phone was off? Or was it that you were in intimate dialogue with your other girlfriend? Right. Move on to the next victim and spare me the agony, please.

·         People who don’t like kids – Kids are playful, sweet, funny, loving and a breath of fresh air. They keep you motivated, curious and busy. They are sticky, loud, mean, scared and disobedient. They cost a fortune to raise and don’t often say thank you. They just want more Nutella toast. Please. Never mind that you haven’t had time to wash your hair in a week. Or theirs for that matter. No matter. I love kids and I hope you do too.

·         No sense of adventure – If you aren’t wild, reckless, willing to try new things and always up for a spontaneous road trip, you need not bother apply. While I could never get wasbund to get excited about wine country, beaches or international travel, I’ve come to the conclusion that’s what girlfriends are for.

·         Condescending tone – Talk dirty to me, but don’t talk down to me please. I’m probably smarter than you unless you’re Stephen Hawking. You can’t make up for lack of intelligence by conjuring up blaming, accusatory “you” statements. “Because you’re so uncooperative, you are causing so many problems, you don’t give me a choice, you are so demanding, you are selfish, you are hurting children, you don’t deserve happiness.” Hey, guess what buddy? YOU don’t know how to get me into the bedroom. So, keep working on those haughty, patronizing statements for the next wife. That’s not driving me anywhere but to the nearest exit. I’ll be at the motel down the street, taking care of nooner business on my own.

Next time you’re looking to start a relationship with me, just remember these tips.
I assure you, they will cum in hand-y.

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