18 April 2014

Candyland Date

There is an off-label use for Candyland. Like so many for-profit pharmaceutical concoctions, the child’s board game is only a fa├žade. The off-label uses prevail, and drive real profits.

“If only I’d drawn plum, earlier in the game, I might have not lost my kids,” one user lamented. Yes, Candyland is widely used to determine custody rights. So, you can be a parent for 10 years without question, but once entered into divorce court, a date with Candyland could be your instant demise. Determinations on your parental abilities come from a 20-minute observation period. You, kids and Candyland.

Never mind my daughter does manic cartwheels in the small enclosed room when she wins, sending a crack spidering up the 2-way mirror. I’m more concerned about my son who just lost to Queen Ice Cream. In a fit of unabashed rage, he has upended the board and is gritting his teeth and growling like a coyote. My other son, who also lost, has decided to fan the remaining cards around the tiny room, creating a multitude of games of 52-pickup for the evaluator. My parenting skills based on this display? F-. That’s a fail.
This date, sounding so sweet like candy, has ended in the tragic loss of my children for life. Until they’re 18. When they may vaguely remember this ridiculous game and the fate it delivered.

Dating etiquette tip: don’t accept candy from strangers. Especially when it’s a court date!

01 April 2014

Amber Alert Date

My good friend Amber Disk-In (I think she prefers Diks-In) has dispensed some fantastic dating advice over the years.

By far her best advice is directed to married people. She asserts, “There comes a time when you have to realize you can have a better life than the one you have. Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to you and your wife to meet new people who are better suited for you both? Your kids will adjust. You can do things you never could do on the weekends you give away your kids. It’s a win-win! XO”

Amber’s amberlicious advice comes with tried-and-true experience. As owner of The Pet Nanny, she easily translates her experiences with furry fluffy animal friends to real people. She offers “tender loving care of your animal children” and she thinks she understands the needs of real human children as well. Animal babies get separated from their parents all the time, and Amber believes this successfully correlates to human babies as well. Based on her extensive cuddle time with brainless furbeasts, she knows a lot about feeding, walking, watering of property and detonating families. She even advocates “customized needs per client.”

Folks at her own Canyon Springs High School have reaped (or is it raped?) rewards from her customized advice. Far and wide, married couples have reconsidered their vows and ventured out to dating planets. Amber’s own sister loves her divorce, and has become best friends with the husband she kicked to the curb. Doug E and Selena M had an especially lovely parting, complete with Amber’s animal counterparts in the admiring audience.

“Everyone is better off dating!” she exclaims. “I value commitment and whatnot. Commitment to playing the field!

Her motto is “Live every day like it's your last, no regrets, and love like it's the first time, every time.

Considering she’s pushing 38 and has no marital prospects herself, it’s clear Amber’s dating advice brings lasting hap-penis.

Warning label: Dating horrors can result. Can be fatal if swallowed.