01 April 2014

Amber Alert Date



My good friend Amber Disk-In (I think she prefers Diks-In) has dispensed some fantastic dating advice over the years.

By far her best advice is directed to married people. She asserts, “There comes a time when you have to realize you can have a better life than the one you have. Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to you and your wife to meet new people who are better suited for you both? Your kids will adjust. You can do things you never could do on the weekends you give away your kids. It’s a win-win! XO”

Amber’s amberlicious advice comes with tried-and-true experience. As owner of The Pet Nanny, she easily translates her experiences with furry fluffy animal friends to real people. She offers “tender loving care of your animal children” and she thinks she understands the needs of real human children as well. Animal babies get separated from their parents all the time, and Amber believes this successfully correlates to human babies as well. Based on her extensive cuddle time with brainless furbeasts, she knows a lot about feeding, walking, watering of property and detonating families. She even advocates “customized needs per client.”

Folks at her own Canyon Springs High School have reaped (or is it raped?) rewards from her customized advice. Far and wide, married couples have reconsidered their vows and ventured out to dating planets. Amber’s own sister loves her divorce, and has become best friends with the husband she kicked to the curb. Doug E and Selena M had an especially lovely parting, complete with Amber’s animal counterparts in the admiring audience.

“Everyone is better off dating!” she exclaims. “I value commitment and whatnot. Commitment to playing the field!

Her motto is “Live every day like it's your last, no regrets, and love like it's the first time, every time.

Considering she’s pushing 38 and has no marital prospects herself, it’s clear Amber’s dating advice brings lasting hap-penis.


Warning label: Dating horrors can result. Can be fatal if swallowed.




10 comments:

  1. This is great. Seriously. Amber alert? Haha. First Dates for life = Free Dinners.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow Amber you're a real whore! You can't turn a whore into a housewife, so enjoy those furry friends

    ReplyDelete
  3. ANYONE that really knows Amber knows this is some crazy bitch who has no life and a pre school mentality to write all these lies. I'M So sorry your marriage failed and you have to blame someone your husband may have confided in instead of him Get Over It AND MOVE ON! I pray your kids dnt learn this kind of behavior.LOSER!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, this lady has some balls! They say the best form of compliment is impersonation. It's funny how all of this misquoted info was found off of the internet (STALKER) and Amber's fun dating blogs (where she tells about her mishaps and lessons and not about ruining marriages) and now that you saw how AWESOME her dating blog is, you have created your own. So, you must REALLY LIKE HER! I am ACTUALLY a friend of Amber's and I can tell you this...I know the entire story. You can't blame someone else for your own actions. Look within yourself. Forgive yourself and your ex. And move on. To blog about this 3 years after the fact, you have an obsession. Rather than slander someone you know nothing about (and possibly get sued) I suggest you remove this blog post.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Whores in San DiegoMarch 26, 2015 at 4:01 PM

    Amber, you hopeless horr. It must be so hard to be you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Whores in San DiegoApril 9, 2015 at 9:18 PM

    Amber is everything - she does girls, animals and married men.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Amber, my answer is simple. If you didn't want to be written about...then you shouldn't have done it.

    ReplyDelete