09 September 2017

Pedophile Date

My neighbor's nephew is courting a pedophile. I say "courting" because he's "dating" someone else. 

In typical fashion, Crustaphile the Pedo has seduced him, charmed him, been there to stroke him, and then strikes. His guilt is enormous, but he stays, because it's too dangerous to break away. He's deep into her.

It seems odd that a female would prey on youths this way, when society vilifies males for this behavior. We don't expect it, and don't know what to make of it. 

Wanna pet my doggie?
Barf and bite both bad.

Too late. Her claws have closed around him, she's wound a string around his neck, and he doesn't know he's stopped breathing as she eases him into a narcotic unconsciousness.

Teen dating has its perils, for sure. And it's the step-seductress, dumped by my husband, who's the greatest risk to us all.

Caution, children!

24 September 2016

HypoChrist Date

What’s going on with dating Christian terrorists? We like to blame Muslims for their intolerance and our troubles, but we are forgetting to look at our own dear God’s faithful followers.

Lately, I’ve made the holy error of putting my dating faith into Christians. The title “Christian” sounds appealing at first: virtuous, pious, trustworthy, kind, humane, does unto others...sounds like a perfect Date.

But wait. Why are the majority of so-called Christians hypocrites? They’re doing good deeds – for themselves, not others. They pretend to be noble citizens – while hurting others without mercy. There’s a very special brand called the California Christian. The fa├žade is flawless, the veneer varnished, but the inside is stained and rotting. The piousness chips right off as soon as they’re exposed to daylight.
Jesus saves! He saves me
from any moral accountability!

I’m talking about the Christian who does a walk for breast cancer, and brags about being a good person, but makes sure her children never see their father again. Or the Christian who forces everyone at the table to make ritualistic sign of the cross before meals, but after wolfing down her dessert, keeps someone else’s children prisoner as her bleached fangs glitter menacingly in the recessed lighting. You’re not hiding anything in your artificially dimmed environment. How about the church-attending child services worker who screams and batters her own kids when they don't want to go to sleep?

Are we good people just because we call ourselves Christian, in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghouls…or is our true virtue based not on our self-adhesive labels, but our everyday actions?

Before you date one of these special Christians, I strongly urge you to observe them in action. Watch as they slash others to bits for their own gain. If they are depleted enough, you...just could be next.

Leave the Bibles in the bedside drawer at seedy motels, and date someone genuine whose bedside drawer contains something a little more lively! Take a peek...

Try Buddhists, for example. You’ll find self-awareness, tranquility, peace, and a different definition of virtue: selflessness, happiness and caring. There's never been a terrorist attack, harassment suit or custody war fought in the name of Buddhism, has there?

They assert: "Jesus died to forgive us our sins.” I guess that means our ancient ancestors sacrificed some guy thousands of years ago, to neatly justify new age Christians ceaselessly sinning without remorse. 

Cheers to Christian dating! Praise be-ware!

04 November 2015

“Mentally ill is the New Psycho” Date

Back in the 80s, it was fashionable to label an undesirable ex a “psycho.” If a relationship turns out not to work, it’s a quick and easy shortcut to write off the other person as deficient, or “psycho,” while you take no blame yourself. And nowadays, the psycho label has evolved into “mentally ill.”

If your mother, or sister dies, and you are not quite yourself, or you have a tiff with your neighbor, you are now officially dubbed “mentally ill.” A bad day at the office, or worse still, fired? Mentally ill! Your kids are kidnapped…congratulations, you’ve just become “mentally ill.” It’s simple to join this club, and nearly impossible to get out.

Of course, introspection is not an option for labelers. Having to publicly confess they’ve done something less than perfect would be an unacceptable admission. So the natural fallback is…mentally ill! Mental illness includes such a broad span of afflictions! After all, the 5th edition DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Disorders) lists no less than 297 different mental disorders, and new ones are being created all the time.

All it takes is a few scientists and psychologists to agree and voila – hyperactive on sugar turns into ADHD, and grandiose egotist lacking empathy turns into narcissist. Narcissism was inaugurated in the DSM 4th edition in 1994, and narcissists born before that can be grandfathered in just by sending a self-addressed, stamped envelope to Santa Claus. It’s that easy!

If we want to get statistical, I use a tally of someone’s past ex-mentally-ill psychos as a direct measure of the potential relationship’s future performance. When she informed me her last 3 husbands were total psychos, I should have listened a bit more closely. When he told me I was the only girlfriend of the 17 beyotches he’d dated since high school who hadn’t gone totally mental-istic on him, I took that as a due warning.

People who lack self-awareness or the ability to be introspective are also missing the big, giant clue: we all have a compilation of characteristics, most of which are found in the DSM. Yes, I repeat, we all have traits of mental illness. Even you!

So, next time a date discards you and you’re pissed, you can safely, accurately and legally label them mentally ill. They are deranged and require psychiatric care, while you are the all-knowing, flawless decider of all things.

Feels good, doesn’t it?


“If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
~ Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

23 August 2015

Morals Date

For some daters, the allure of money is so strong, it overshadows being a good person and supersedes doing the right thing. Heather Marklein has this issue. Her big house, SUV, two children and rockin’ dating life when her husband is away on business don’t cancel out being an absolute slut when it comes to morals and values.

See, my crown fits and my teeth grits!
You see, Heather is quick to dissolve a family if it puts money in her pocket. And, her pockets are bottomless! By day, she works as an attorney’s assistant. While she’s able to stretch a simple, straightforward marriage dissolution into years upon years of profitable paper-pushing ($5,000 to sign this form! another grand to draft an email! $3,000 more to schedule another useless court appearance!), she moves extremely swiftly when she can take children away from a loving parent. All calculations in the black.
Yes, child trafficking is popular, lucrative and it’s not that hard to do! Heather may drag her feet on forms, but taking kids away from a divorcing parent is not only a huge win for her reputation, it’s more money for her and her family. Immediately upon stripping children from their father, for example, she jumps in her SUV and races off to pick her daughter up at school, a savage smile pasted on her face. “Hi, honey!” she cheerily chirps in her falsetto. “We destroyed another family today, so we’re going to go buy a new patio set!”
“Hooray!” beams her daughter. “Those stupid kids shouldn’t have a father anyway! We get more stuff that way!”

In this manner, Heather infects her children with her morality. So far, the divorced and damaged families are so beaten down they can’t rise up in protest. Heather makes off with a bundle, and it invigorates her to do it all again.

I even heard she made a necklace from the tongues of the children she took, and wore it around town with pride. Silencing the children wasn’t really her fault, she crooned, “but just look at my beautiful necklace!”

All seems well and good for her. And it is, until the ax of morality comes down and slices her neck.

The moral of the story is…dirty money is a thin veil, Heather. It may pay for the dates now, but it all comes out in the wash sooner or later.

We’re waiting with bated breath for your fall from grace.

25 July 2015

Web Date

When I say web date, I’m not referring to online dating. I’m referring to a specific type of Dater who traps you in their web, like a spider’s bait, until they’re finished with you (or more likely, you’ve been eaten alive). Have you been out with those web dater types?

I have one who comes to mind immediately. She has fake boobs, a botox face, a charming smile and an entertainer’s house. And you’ll have a lot of trouble getting out. She starts out as a friend, fawning over you with generosity and attention. You get invited to all the parties. Beware – the attention is only when it serves her. If you’re a morning running partner or a guest who counts towards attendance at her party then, fabulous!, you matter! Her need for control, however, is insatiable. If you have personal, relationship or work troubles, or don’t serve toward her guest count, she’ll be the first to savagely turn on you.

After our years of friendship, she was leaping at the opportunity to invite my former spouse over for her bbq a week after he renounced our family. What wonderful support for me and my kids! A person to count on through thick and thin…not. So it is with these web dates. When you’re no longer attractive bait, you are discarded like a dead, half-eaten fly.

On my father’s 90th birthday, she decided it was more important to take my kids out on her speedboat. Now, that’s true family values! According to her, it was a great day for a date. She beamed at them and announced, “Oh my, how you’ve grown! A tasty meal you’ll make!” Never mind she’s against procreation in the first place (the result, not the act). Their grandfather celebrated his day without them.

My decimarian daughter stated her thoughts to me so eloquently, as she often does in her sage, insightful yet offhand way. “J9 is just a party girl. She doesn’t really care about people or their feelings. And she doesn’t care at all about being a good person. We know that. Luckily we don’t see her that much, and none of us like her.” Well said. An important reminder from a perceptive young child of where web daters rank, in life importance and kindness.

Good to start young in weeding out the web daters. Save the years of heartache and don’t fall into the spin. Or if you do, enjoy the speedboat, bring your insecticide, and aim for the eyes.

Caught ya!

10 April 2015

Where Is It? Date

If you never know truth, you never know love.
~ The Black Eyed Peas

Are you wearing your humanity today?

10 March 2015

Sole Custody Date

Lately I’ve been dealing with very territorial people.

You know the type: highly controlling, can’t (or won’t) let go, don’t acknowledge that there can be more than one “right” way to get it done, easily bruised when things don’t go their way. (BIG CLUE: Life, actually, doesn’t always go your way. Once you accept that, your sphincter will relax.)

You are at the helm
In dating, there are a lot of people suffering from this epidemic called divorce. Over 50% of the dating population, to be exact. The divorce often involves many brain-dead autocrats, who collect handsome paychecks if they can keep the divorce conflict alive and feeding on maggots, radioactive waste and other tasty trash. These divorce-feeding officials believe they can actually control the outcome.

Then, there is the territorial partner a rung below the officials - the one who cannot relinquish the battle or redirect their life - so they stay mired in court, custody battles (they actually think children can be “owned”), relentless pursuits of cash, and collection of as many friends and acquaintances they can recruit…while the other partner is up, up and DATING away!

The dating free partner knows this: there is one sure way to permanently rid yourself of the problem of those terrible territorial tormentors. Sole custody. Sole meaning alone, and custody (a word that’s in process of being removed from the dictionary) implying ownership.

How do you cut through the crap with these territorial folks and achieve sole custody? Easy, so easy.

You already have it. The one thing you will always have is sole custody of your life. While you are alive, nobody can take that custody from you, ever. Don’t blow it; make the most of it. Date it up, wild and free.

22 February 2015


Have you ever dated someone who barrages you with nasty texts? I don’t mean the sexy, fun kind of nasty; I mean truly mean-spirited and vengeful kind of nasty. Dates like these deserve to be dropped. Unless, of course, it’s the stalker-ex. Try as mightily as you might - lingering exes don’t like to let go.

Mixed-up, jumbled and a shook up world
I had an interesting text barrage from my boyfriend’s ex, Laura G. It was a one-way conversation that escalated fury with each passing moment. I read along, amused and somewhat stupefied that someone who I’ve never met could be throwing out absolute value judgments and working themselves into such a frenzy of hatred.

But let’s face it, nobody enjoys the nasty barrage, and even the bemusement quickly wears off. I was ready for the conversation to end. But when the ex is conversing steadily with herself, there is no “The End.”

Once she finally wore herself down, she told me to STFU. Now, there are just so many text acronyms these days, even as a highly evolved linguist, some of them stump me. I puzzled over this one for a while, but what got me more was her “in defense of all children of this world” crap. I’m a dating mother, for Christ’s sake. I kill flies, but not children.

Some Take Fun Uphill
Steady Teddy, Falling Undies
Smut Takes Fondling Underground
Snotty Tits Fold Up

Really, STFU was out of my league.

A year later, a whole 365 days past due, someone told me what this elusive acronym means. That’s it? She text barraged me for a day and then told me to shove it? I will never understand the narrow brain passage retrofitted to some. And I appreciate my boyfriend all the more for knowing all his Scrabble words. ILYP.

14 February 2015

Destined Date

Mugshot of your heart
If you go on a date consumed with how you will establish your superiority, you’ve destined the date to flop. I don’t give a puss if you’re always right. Or really knowledgeable about habits of small dogs. If you spend our precious time together ensuring I will come away with the feeling that you’re better than something, you’ve missed the mark of humanity.

I want to know about you, faults and all, and what brings you passion. I want to know your strong and weak parts, because that shows me you are balanced. I’m not impressed by how much you can bench at the gym, or how many TV shows you’ve watched in your lifetime, or even the size of your…paycheck. But I am impressed if you’re nice to me. And if you linger a little longer in bed, or listen for a moment before you bring me a steaming mug of coffee.

It’s easy to dote on you when you don’t prove me wrong in every area of life. Fine, you’re better at geometry. And I’m an excellent speller. And after that, grades don’t matter. But how you treat people matters more than you fathomed.

31 January 2015

Date Fate

He thought he was trading up.

But as his workout partner overheard him complaining at the gym, “The grass really isn’t any greener.” 

In fact, the grass is dead. It’s not real grass. It’s plastic. When you get up close to sniff it, you get poked by a synthetic blade. No fresh and natural here.
Trophy dates can actually suck.

She can’t spell and she loves to outfit him, her way, just like his mother. She changed the tye-dye to preppy plaid. And she’s ready to digitally remaster the kids. Authentic from the inside out. Manners, name brands and censorship. All the attributes that make a person whole and true.

Buy-buy, now! Thank the Dating Gods they won’t grow up like you!

12 October 2014

Hopeful Date

New season. New you. New resolutions. New dates.

The only constant in life is…change. Yes, change is constant and inevitable. My revolving door of dating means dates change nightly. It keeps life exciting! Why settle for the same dull and drab person when you can constantly exchange them for someone else? There is no shortage of humans on earth, so why should there be a shortage of dates, or boyfriends, or husbands?

In this day and age, you can move on without ever having to face any consequences. No need to reflect on past damage when new dates are awaiting. No U-turns allowed.

Have hope. Keep recycling. And don’t look back!

08 September 2014

Twist of Date

We don’t know the journey when we start out. We think we’ve picked the path, but turns out that trail is closed. So we take a detour. And follow some breadcrumbs. And hope that we’re not in the same woods as Hansel and Gretel, lest the witch’s candy distract us. We plod on. Sometimes with flashlights, the only illumination being the beam directly ahead. The rest dark and shrouded in mystery. And that, my dating friend, ends up being our life.

What is love but a series of small decisions made under impossible circumstances? One by one, they add up to years.
~ A Seahorse Year by Stacey D’Erasmo