12 February 2014

Watch Your Back Date

People lie by nature. Not all people tell big, bad lies. But enough people tell little lies for them to add up to one big one. Living a lie, you might say.

Certainly lies have their use, such as in the courtroom, or to get you out of going on a date when you’d rather be home picking your nose in front of the television (or fireplace, in my case). Rather than hurt a date’s feelings, I have a convenient Top 50 Easiest Lies List I refer to from time to time. I don’t think anyone’s on to me yet, so let me impart just a few:

1)      “I didn’t see your text.”
2)      “I didn’t have my phone all day.”
3)      “My voicemail is full.”
4)      “I’ve changed my e-mail address.”
5)      “I was out of town.”
6)      “My kids were sick, and I mean puking everywhere.”
7)      “I had a major deadline at work.”
8)      “I love your haircut.”
9)      “Your father is a nice man.”
10)   “I’m unemployed and can’t afford dinner.”
11)   “I already saw that movie.”
12)   “I just turned 21.”
Your back is unprotected in love and lies.
13)   “I’ll never love again.”

Harmless, right? In small quantities, dating lies serve many purposes. The problem lies (that’s not a pun) in the gradual spreading of lies throughout your day, lies seeping in through the cracks and pervading all else. Before you know it, you are an expert liar. Lying is dating skill that will first kill any relationship, then kill you.

I’m not lying. Watch your back.

04 February 2014

Respectful Date

People are talking about respect these days. Chant with me: R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Dear Mother:
Gargoyles who kidnap
Even though I’ve stolen your children from you, you should not be angry at me. I’m a super person. With fake eyelashes and a fake tan, I can teach your children a lot about what it means to be beautiful and humane. Plus, I love to shop til I drop, and I buy them clothes like they’re my little paper doll set. If only they were really made of thin cardboard and didn’t have such three-dimensional personalities. I also love to sit on my brand new couch and watch TV, while I watch your children clean my house and my dog poo. Like really, I am here to provide stabilization for your children. I’ve made up nicknames for them, and I’m even allowing you to borrow my nicknames, because I’m so super. Just because my IQ is a lot lower than yours doesn’t mean I’m dumb. I’m a super person and I’m making sure your kids are…well, brainwashed. So their brains are nice and clean.

The Child Kidnapping Gargoyle

Dear Child Kidnapping Gargoyle:
You stole my children.
Super-dumb or not, you’re missing the main point.
See you in the woods.

With all due respect (which is none),
Mother Bear
I can respect that