25 May 2011


When a Date starts out dropping the F-bomb everywhere, you know you are in for a really good time. This Coffee Date had all the goods, oh wait…I’m sorry…let me back up. This was NOT a date.

After reading my blog, Nondate instantaneously asked me out. Apparently I intrigued him. Intriguing…that’s about as far as I get with guys these days. Nondate was sure to clarify that this was NOT to be considered a date. Probably because he has a wife. “But I do dates with married people!” I hastily replied, seizing the opportunity.

If you really want to impress on a first Nondate, let someone know you owe $20,000 in back taxes, but still offer to buy them coffee. That’s right, this Nondate showered me with generosity, especially given his IRS obligations. I’m sure if an undercover agent had been on duty, they would have put a stop to his frivolous Starbucks purchase and confiscated his bulging…wallet.

To keep the conversation nice and light after the IRS revelation, we switched to the topic of gender roles in society. I mentioned an article I had recently read about unisex naming practices and a couple who was essentially letting their baby “choose” its own gender by keeping it secret from the rest of the world. My Nondate immediately tagged these people as “freaks who are going to f**k up their kids and everyone else’s.” Yes, tell it like it is.

At this, Nondate abruptly announced he needed a cigarette. Did Nondate not realize my militant stance on smoking? Had he known I despise any and all cigarette smokers, regardless of their redeeming qualities, his flame may have flickered right out. When I announced my overpowering aversion to cigarettes ten years ago to wasbund, he immediately snubbed out his cigarette and never again lit up for the duration of our ill-fated marriage. In hindsight, it would have been better if wasbund kept on smoking that day...so I’d have ditched him when I still had the chance to get out alive.

And I don’t mind cigar or pot smoking, all you Dates who may have gotten scared off just now! Since one of my new mottos is keeping an open mind, I actually allowed Nondate to smoke and refrained from coughing, insulting him or walking away. In fact, I even agreed to a follow-up Lunch Nondate. The cigarette fumes must have brainwashed me.

Or maybe it was his parting comment which was so down to earth that reeled me back in, “Get a f**kin’ bed, move on, have dates.”  (Did I mention I don’t have a bed?) Right on!

22 May 2011


This date is the kind you never imagine - in your wildest dreams - you'll have…and then when you do it’s so, unbelievably awesome.

Everything about this Sundate made me happy. It was on a Sunday - a day once known as a day of leisure. The sun was shining. It involved watching some soccer, a sport I love. And it involved some really excellent, quality people. Plus, I got to travel and stay over in a nice hotel.

The night before Sundate, otherwise known as Saturday evening, we went out to dinner for Sundate’s birthday. To a chain restaurant, but I didn’t even care (see Backslide Date for my true feelings about chain restaurant lovers). We celebrated Sundate’s birthday, and it felt like the entire place was in on the celebration. A gang hang and sang with us and shared the birthday cake. I sat next to Sundate, and I couldn’t stop hugging him.

For the first time in 9 whole months, I had Sundate all to myself. No rivalry or siblings to interfere. Sundate had my undivided attention, which is nearly impossible to come by these divorce-infused, split custody days.

There were a couple “minor” red flags on this date that I’m sure you, dear reader, will gladly overlook. OK, I’ll admit, I did kiss a minor, in a king-size bed. But we didn’t do anything else illegal, I swear. (I’ve done a lot under oath lately – see Court Date for more info on that.) Sundate and I got to eat, sleep and drive together. May sound slightly mundane but…

You never know how amazingly wonderful a Sundate will be…until your just turning 9-year-old son is taken from you in a full-blown custody war…and then you get him back, uncontested, for a whole, entire night and day.

The. Best. Date. Ever.

20 May 2011

Backslide Date

After reluctantly reading my dating blog…Knives had a sudden rekindled romantic interest in going on a date with me. Perhaps he saw on opportunity to dump me yet again. Dump on the double. Double dump. That’s what my bathroom looks and smells like when both my sons are finished.

For some unknown reason, sometimes also known as Desperately Seeking Companionship on a Friday After My Kids Are Taken From Me By a man I Once Knew But Now Despise, I relented to this date.

Knives proposed making our originally planned lunch date into a happy hour instead. That’s a sign. Happy, and for a whole hour. I’m not sure I can do it, but that perma-grin solution I’ve been ingesting (tastes like wart-removal oil) is possibly, finally having the desired effect. I’ll test it out.

Plus, he agreed on a venue I have been dying to try but other dates have flatly refused. A rustic wine bar called PIS with mellow live music, bring-your-own board games and heat lamps. Already this environment narrows down the date compatibility quotient significantly. First, it’s not a chain restaurant and that fact alone is very intimidating to some people. Thankfully Knives is an urbanite, and not easily intimidated. He does not adore chain restaurants like Million Maples men do. Also, not many people in SoCal seem to be able to handle outdoor seating on dates. Or even outdoor dates. You always end up in first a car (everybody drives here; walking is outmoded unless on a treadmill fully bejeweled and wearing thick foundation and lipstick)…then after car, a bed if you get lucky.

But this is what I loved, and still very much love, about Knives. He gets it. And he gets me. He is willing to give this place PIS a try. I might even let him win at Othello as a bonus prize for volunteering, even suggesting himself, to date me for an hour on an otherwise fateful Friday.

Let’s pause here for a moment to consider ulterior motives. Knives has not gotten laid in a while, and might be feeling knotty. He knows I will devote my attention to him. He knows he has an admirer in me. He knows we will be taking separate cars (prevents shacking up together at either person’s shanty). Because in Million Maples why carpool or walk when you can guzzle gas?

Knives and I both want things we can’t have. He wants a retirement account and I want to retire, so I can write date full time and rest in between. Even though we don’t have exactly what we want, it’s been much easier to move on in life, especially now that our wallets are so much lighter (not from pissing it all away at PIS; rather from the divorces).

We guzzle gas and wine and have a very good time. And retire. Goodnight.

17 May 2011

Date Stacking

At the beginning, setting up a date is nearly as important as the date itself. First impressions are lasting impressions. That’s why I was so excited to meet this date after our exhilarating text conversation.

Him: Hi. I’m a friend of your Agent. Would like to possibly get to know you despite what your Agent says about you. Just kidding. He says great things about you.

Me: Funny. Ditto…despite what he says about you :)

Him: Classic. When you can please tell me the qualities you like in men so I can mimic them 100 percent the first time we meet.

Excellent strategy! He proceeds to introduce himself as Lenny Dykstra.

Him: After I am released and receive the list of qualities, would like to buy you lunch, meet you for happy hour, have you detail my car.

Me: I am detail-oriented so the car thing could work…

His initial texts were funny and intriguing. Although I am a very confident and self-sufficient person, I decided to accept my friend Fiery Fiona’s invitation to act as my date chaperone, since I had provided the same service to her. Lenny was cool with that. After all, what guy refuses 2 on 1 blondes? Especially, I emphasize, non-highlighted blondes, which are a very rare if not extinct species in Southern California. Highlights abound, along with boob jobs, Botox and Hummers.

To balance the stack, Fiery Fiona and I invited Agent. Stacking Fiery Fiona and Agent on this date was comforting, even if unnecessary. After all, I think Lenny and I proved through text that we could hold our own in a conversation.

Lenny tended to talk very freely about everyone’s ex-spouses. Not a problem; spoiled relationships is one of my very favorite topics! We can analyze our downfalls endlessly.

He also described watching the TV series, The First 48, with his kids, which features many divorcees who end up killing their spouses out of frustration. Luckily he had not yet seen the episode featuring me, so we were able to continue on without incident.

The potential for more stacking arose when, on the drive home, both North Sea and Firefighter contacted me. North Sea actually invited me to meet him out, and when we missed each other by mere seconds at the designated spot…he even called to invite me over to hang out in PJs. Uh-oh. No phone calls. Absolutely no phone calls! That’s where he failed. Despite my ravishing voice, I don’t do phone calls, remember? Since Firefighter called at the exact same time, he was booted to voicemail, and not by me.

My only disappointment in the evening was that at 42, I no longer have the stamina to stack endlessly like this. If I weren’t getting up for hot yoga at 6 am and facing a full day of work, legal battling and kid-sitting, then maybe I could have stacked into the wee hours of the morning. But I will leave that to a time that once was.

12 May 2011

Colliding Worlds - Part 2

Fast forward to Fiery Fiona’s house. She is preparing for a Date. She is nervous. She is excited. She is busy. She is a whirlwind.

She is trying to unload 3 kids in the nick of time, and still look presentable. (Is that a SpagettiO stain on the back of your white skirt? Is that a piece of toilet paper sticking out of your bra? Is that gum in your hair? Is that a fruit roll up in your teeth? No time to look in the mirror.)

The Date is texting her sweet nothings about his impending arrival time at her house. He is bringing wine and a good time. Her ex husband wusband is standing in front of her house, refusing to leave, until they work out 3 years’ worth of differences and she hands over an outfit for their daughter. He is stubborn. He is argumentative. He is unflagging.

She does not want to be frazzled for Date. She is starting to sweat. This is cutting it really close. Will Date hit every red light on the drive over? Hope so.

How to make wasbund go away? Now he wants to discuss custody scheduling for the next decade. No! I have a date screams Fiery F, in her head of course. “Time for you to get out,” she purrs calmly. She left out various F and S words in that sentence. He finally leaves. Kids’ faces pressed against the rear windows as they drive sadly away.

At that moment Date’s car rounds the corner…he thinks she has been waiting for him…hair blown back, barefoot and expectant in the street…how sweet.

07 May 2011

Rejection Lines

This is not the line you stand in to get rejected, as this title may lead you to believe. Although maybe I have been standing in the wrong line all along – in fact I’ve been Line Leader – and I didn’t even know it!

In the world of Dating Suburban, you need to become accustomed to constant rejection. Kind of like actors who work as waiters for 20 years, waiting tables and waiting to be selected for the 5-minute role of passerby in a movie. Dating is the same way, lots of waiting for a small victory. A victory that might never come. Is it even worthwhile? You tell me.

Since I have vast experience being rejected, I’d like to share with you some of the most popular rejection lines in Dating Suburban history. If you have not yet used these yourself, give them a try!

A few have made me cry. Some make me mad. Really mad. A couple were laughable. But only in hindsight. Mostly, I just feel utterly rejected!

Come experience this yourself. Then, for best results, use them on someone else for true vindication.

First, there are the numerous forms of “It’s not you ; it’s all me.”

Then, there’s the “It’s all you (you’re full of irreparable flaws and have caused every problem in this relationship) and I’m perfect, so I deserve better than you. Someone who treats me right.”

I have extensive experience in both styles of rejection.

“I’m sure so many guys will like you because you’re such a great catch…but personally I don’t want you…and here’s why…”
Proceeds to list their top 100 flaws – I’m a perfectionist, I’m too old, I’m too young, I count sheep when I sleep, I’m still a boy at heart, I’ve cheated on every women I’ve been with, my retirement account balance is too low to support your Goodwill shopping sprees, whatever.

“I’m really messed up in the head.”
OK, thanks for letting me know now. You saved me the mental institution bill.

“I don’t date women from work.”
 I’ve gone out with at least 100 women from my office, but now that you’ve come along, I’ve changed my policy. OK, got that. I work in policy change management in my corporate job, so I understand the type.

“I’m not over my marriage.”
Yes, not now, but when you meet the next woman it’s amazing how quickly you’ll get over it.

And my favorite old-timer: “You’re psycho.”
They never say this one to your face. It just gets back to you through the twisted grapevine.

Given a few more minutes, I’m sure I could come up with hundreds more. They’re right at the tip of my tongue, or should I say the tip of my ear.

What are some rejection lines that have been used on you? Can I borrow them?

Still bloodied & waiting in line to get rejected, again.
But still smiling, and dating...

02 May 2011

Four-Headed Date Monster

the male perspective
By Agent (guest contributor)

Also known as: 
What has eight eyes, ten children and six sworn enemies?

I have been officially divorced for over six months now.   I started hearing “Are you dating yet?” and “I know someone I would like to set you up with” about that same time.  Of course, all of these people were either married or going out with someone.  When I hear these words I become divided.  One half of me is excited about the possibility of meeting someone that I really connect with and the other half of me is scared that I won’t and go down another relationship worm hole.   

I am not even sure if dating is the best way to meet someone.  It can be a very uncomfortable situation probably because they are nervous and or trying to impress.  So when Dating Suburban wanted to set me up with Fiery Fiona I suggested that I bring a friend and we do something very casual.  The first time we tried to do this it was somewhat of an epic fail.  Rude Rick cancelled at the last minute and I was a little out of it for reasons I would rather not say (reference Triple Date if you want to know why).  But between my trips to the bathroom and my abrupt departure I did get to know Dating Suburban and Fiery Fiona a little better….. enough so to write this blog and let them read it. 

If there is one thing I have learned in my relatively short life is that relationships usually take time to develop.  You need to get past that outer shell that everyone has before you REALLY get to know the person.  I don’t think these shells are intentional; it’s just how we all are, and some shells are thicker than others.  Fortunately for me, the two of them were willing to give me a second chance.  This time my friend (a different one I might add) North Sea Mike C made it.  In fact he was the first one there and got us a table as soon as we all arrived.  Great start in my opinion. 

Having four of us there made conversation easy and there were only two moments of awkward silence.  Not bad for a 2 hour and 45 minute date.  The talking ratio wasn’t quite balanced:
·         North Sea Mike C = 65%
·         Agent (me) = 25%
·         Ladies = 10%. 

I think the ladies could have been a little higher on this but it seemed OK since they were laughing a lot and both have very nice laughs.  That’s very important.  My friend and I even learned something new about each other – we grew up in back-asswards upstate NY suburbs.  The atmosphere was relaxed and I would definitely like to do something with this group again.  Although I think a BBQ would be totally out of the question based on everyone’s meat cooking preference.   

Date Awards:

·         North Sea Mike C gets the MVP of the date for his great ability to tell a story and make us all laugh.  And if you ever want to get baptized - in the North Sea - Mike C is the one to talk to. 
·         Agent gets the award for most improved.  It would be hard not to improve on his last dating effort. 
·         Fiery Fiona gets the congeniality award for her great laugh and smile
·         Dating Suburban gets the Purple Heart award. Her favorite color is purple, and apparently she was sick and had a sore throat.