15 June 2011

Dating Want Ad

Agent wrote my dating want ad. People have recommended I try match.com. Better than sitting home on a Friday night blogging...what do you think?

Come try out Dating Suburban! She is:
·         a non cumformist
·         no longer passive aggressive
·         low-maintenance on the wallet
·         sensitive
·         witty
·         intelligent (or smart enough to appear to be)
·         fuel efficient
·         but likes it when people cook for her
·         cumfortable
·         looks for beauty within
·         silky sexy voice
·         with intelligent and sexy thoughts
·         textaholic
·         with intelligent and sexy thoughts
·         athletic (so she says)
·         likes to challenge but I'm not sure if she likes to be challenged
·         may have some control issues or has some anxiety left over from a controlling water hording, vigilant recycler, ex husband
·         calls me Agent instead of agent.... and apparently that is a good thing

OK, you Dates, I am ready!

By the way readers, how do you like my Artist? He drew my pic for this ad. Pretty cool, huh?

14 June 2011

A Riddle For You

What do you call a single mother of 3 children under 10 who works full-time, has no childcare, no housekeeper, goes to court every week, simultaneously suffers from pneumonia, pink eye and a bladder infection, has had 4 minor car accidents in 6 months, manages to get through each day with the help of her liquid life and friend caffeine…and all the while goes on DATES?

That's right, I’m Dating Suburban !

Although my first answer was “a sole survivor.”

01 June 2011

Middle Finger

I’d always heard the term “passive-aggressive” but I never knew exactly what it meant. Finally, my therapist clarified it for me.

Apparently I’d been engaging in these behaviors unwittingly.

For instance, most of us have a middle finger. I use mine sparingly, just in conversations with people I don’t like. I might casually rest it up against my face, pretending to ponder. Or more regularly, I sit with both middles pointing like guns at the enemy, concealed under the table. Flipping the bird to wusbands back was another family favorite.

This is passive aggressive? I didn’t know that. I thought I was just venting, without actually letting the other person know how seethingly mad I was.

When I don’t like someone, I now refuse to capitalize their name. Some people think that’s fashionable, or part of the new grammar etiquette sweeping the nation: “hi b4 u go can i cu B4 u cum 2 my par-t tonite @ 8?” No, I mean lowercase strictly as an insult.

That’s right. john. scott. omar. Those of you poor, unfortunate Dates who have broken and stomped on my heart. You are not capitalized. Hah, got ya there, as my daughter would say (unrelated to proper nouns which she is just now learning).

So if, on our Date, you notice my hands under the table, you may want to drop your napkin to see if you’re getting the double barrel finger. If not, that’s a great sign! If so, may be time to date terminate.

Likewise, if my follow-up text to you is written in lowercase, head for the hills.

Maybe one day soon, with the right Date to bring it out in me, I will actually express how I feel in words. I do seem to have a way with words, come to think of it.