12 October 2014

Hopeful Date

New season. New you. New resolutions. New dates.

The only constant in life is…change. Yes, change is constant and inevitable. My revolving door of dating means dates change nightly. It keeps life exciting! Why settle for the same dull and drab person when you can constantly exchange them for someone else? There is no shortage of humans on earth, so why should there be a shortage of dates, or boyfriends, or husbands?

In this day and age, you can move on without ever having to face any consequences. No need to reflect on past damage when new dates are awaiting. No U-turns allowed.

Have hope. Keep recycling. And don’t look back!

08 September 2014

Twist of Date

We don’t know the journey when we start out. We think we’ve picked the path, but turns out that trail is closed. So we take a detour. And follow some breadcrumbs. And hope that we’re not in the same woods as Hansel and Gretel, lest the witch’s candy distract us. We plod on. Sometimes with flashlights, the only illumination being the beam directly ahead. The rest dark and shrouded in mystery. And that, my dating friend, ends up being our life.

What is love but a series of small decisions made under impossible circumstances? One by one, they add up to years.
~ A Seahorse Year by Stacey D’Erasmo

31 August 2014

Truth or Date

Would you rather be honest, or daring?
Are they mutually exclusive?

A date I went on was worried about his wife stealing his money in the event of a divorce. He concluded that he would hide his money from his wife while they were married. Then, when he divorced her, he would have his money safely hidden away. She would be poor, and he would be rich.

On our date, I pointed out that if his wife found out about this, she might lose all trust in him. She might then conclude he is lying about other things, whether he is or not. Losing trust creates a tremendous relationship problem. My date paused, not having considered this. “Yeah, maybe lying isn’t the best idea…” he finally decided. “I’ll just give the money to you to hide instead.”

Did you ever think about the unintended consequences?
Of course you didn’t; they were unintended.

13 August 2014

Better Date

In this whole, big, global world, it’s harder to find a mate, because we’re all looking for someone BETTER.

Ordinary isn’t good enough.
Screening for better
Satisfactory is…just that.
Even extraordinary has its drawbacks.
They don’t make ‘em like they used to…they make ‘em better.

So hurry out to your local dealer now, and trade in your used model, for the new better one.
The defects won’t show in the first 6-7 months.

Then, when defects do emerge, as they inevitably do, you can simply upgrade to a better model.

This way, you never have to deal with reality, shortcumings or repairs.
And you’ll feel so much better too!
I’ve been discarding for decades ~ that’s what keeps me alive and Dating Suburban.

You can do better too…for superior results, upgrade today!

01 August 2014

Boots Date

I’m having a love affair with high leather boots. Suede boots are nice too.

So I splurged and bought a few. Matching sets so I appear symmetrical.

The point is – whatever you need to do to feel sexy, do it. You owe it to yourself. Your mate will probably like the sexy you as well.

I got my boots on sale. And I wear them when there’s no snow. That’s sexy too.

15 July 2014

I Love You If...Date

I was married to an “I love you IF…” person.

“Dating Suburban, I love you IF you are attractive, skinny, and fun. I love you if you let me watch TV whenever I want. I love you if you allow me to lie to you about money and my whereabouts. I love you if we spend all holidays with my side of the family. I love you if you entertain the children while I cook. I love you if we have friends over for a Superbowl party. I love you if you are not allergic to dogs and cats. I love you if you do exactly as I say.”

By a slim stroke of uck (you can add an “L” or an “F” to the front of that word – your choice) I escaped that noose. Now, I’m dating an “I love you BECAUSE…” person.

“I love you because you’re beautiful. I love you because you’re tired. I love you because you forgot to flush the toilet. I love you because you got fired from the job you hated anyway. I love you because you go to court to protect your kids from Crusty the Horr instead of going on a date with me, me and me. I love you because you read books. I love you because you can do things I cannot do, and I can learn from you. I love you because you talk to me. I love you because you care. I love you because you don’t.”

So when you’re out there dating, desperately searching online for the person who will love you if you are exactly what they ordered, give it up now. Stay home and sulk, or take a bath. There may be 1000 of those iffy daters, but it’s so much better to wait for the because dater. The person who appreciates you for exactly who YOU are, not exactly who they want you to morph into each day. 

BECAUSE IF you hold out, I promise you the rewards will fulfill the emptiest, darkest nights.

“Because, because, because, because, because – because of the wonderful things he does.” Or is.
~ Wizard of Oz

24 June 2014

F-Word Date

My favorite F word is…free.
You may have been thinking I’d say something else.
Well, I like that one too.
But here’s why FREE is so important to me.

I live in America, which boasts a tagline of “Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.”
Pass the bubbly!
And I used to actually believe I lived in a free country: free speech, freedom of press – freedom to make choices given the many options available to us lucky Americans.

Guess what? 
Once you sign a marriage contract, you are not free. And if your partner decides you’re not worth their love and divorces you, you will never be free again. That’s because a once-upon-a-time marriage gone sour gives license for the other person to torture you, for the rest of their lives.

It's all fun and games...til someone loses a kid.

If you have kids and a house, forget it.
You might as well jump off the Empire State Building right now, because the hell you will live through makes this free-fall sound very attractive. You’ll be free-falling anyway, but not in fresh New York air like you would if you just jumped.

This kind of free-fall is a fall from your freedom.
If your spouse is especially idiotic (Tom, Laura) and takes you to court, you may as well flee the country. The courtroom is no place anyone in their right mind wants to be; except Tom and Laura apparently like it. They feel at home with authoritarian small-minded bureaucrats, who allow kidnapping of children, because setting the children free would generate more paperwork than these automatons are already pushing.

Take my freedom = heart amputation
The children will eventually claim their own freedom, but not under the court’s crooked crossed eye. And when they do, I recommend you jump, because hitting the pavement hard will feel better than the blow you’re gonna get.

Live Free or Die, says the state of New Hampshire. I don’t live there, but I love it.
Freedom, and groove, are in the heart.

16 June 2014

Nail Me Now Date

This is about nailing. And not the kind of nailing you’re probably thinking of. I’m talking about getting my nails done in preparation for a date.

Makeup makes me oh-so-perfect!
Do guys even like painted nails? Do guys find these brightly colored acrylics attractive or artificial? What about lipstick? Is it gross to kiss me when I have ricinus communis seed oil-polybutene-stearalkonium hectorit-titanium dioxide-carbomer-propylene glycol and good ol’ fashioned lead on my lips? Or is that appetizing?

Because us girls are going to great lengths for these often frustrating beauty routines. And it’s time we know if it’s worth it to you.

This weekend I went to get my nails painted so I’d look more like Barbie for my date. First mistake: I had a coupon. At the nail salon I frequent, they hate you if you’re getting a discount. 

Why publish a coupon if you’re going to punish your customers for using it? I don’t get that. But I succumbed to the torture in order to save a lousy 2 dollars, in order to get treated like a worthless piece of poo.

As soon as they realized I possessed a coupon, all spa pampering was off. The pedicurist's leg massage turned into an angry kneading. My toes never got the glossy topcoat, the one that makes the nail job last. The manicurist actually stood up and yanked my arm up at an awkward angle. She then brusquely and harshly slapped on the polish. It looked like a 3-year-old child had painted my nails – missed spots, polish all over my cuticles - messy mess. I gave them double the cost of the “treatment” and they refused to give me any change. I guess I was obligated to tip highly for using the fateful coupon.

So instead of being relaxed and feeling pampered, I was stressed, broke and pissed. All for a date.

Would you nail me now?

02 June 2014

Baby Date

Did you ever go on a date to have a baby?
That’s right. You heard me.

You reached that point in life when it was TIME. The next Dater in your path was your target. You were ready to bring another human being into the world, and all you needed was the perfect partner.

You had unprotected sex, careless sex, and you were fine with the fact that you two might become parents.

Were you married? Maybe. Maybe not. No matter! Marriage is certainly not a prerequisite to becoming a parent. In fact, there are very few prerequisites. Perhaps, for our own protection and sanity, there should be a more challenging admissions process.

Making the baby is the easy part, the fun part. You probably weren’t thinking altogether too clearly in the heat of the moment, when it seemed like such a fabulous idea.

They don’t come with a detailed instruction manual – or even a quick-start guide. Kids are not made-to-order. Even genetics doesn’t guarantee what you’ll get. The recipe doesn’t come out as planned. But then again, does life ever go as planned? Mine certainly hasn’t.

So if you’ve already had Baby Date, make the best of it. And if you’re contemplating the idea…well…you’ve seen the warning label. Kids will ruin your life and you’ll love them more than anything you’ve ever imagined.

Or, you could just dry hump instead.

~ “There are many routes to joy. Most of them are detours.” ~