01 June 2011

Middle Finger

I’d always heard the term “passive-aggressive” but I never knew exactly what it meant. Finally, my therapist clarified it for me.

Apparently I’d been engaging in these behaviors unwittingly.

For instance, most of us have a middle finger. I use mine sparingly, just in conversations with people I don’t like. I might casually rest it up against my face, pretending to ponder. Or more regularly, I sit with both middles pointing like guns at the enemy, concealed under the table. Flipping the bird to wusbands back was another family favorite.

This is passive aggressive? I didn’t know that. I thought I was just venting, without actually letting the other person know how seethingly mad I was.

When I don’t like someone, I now refuse to capitalize their name. Some people think that’s fashionable, or part of the new grammar etiquette sweeping the nation: “hi b4 u go can i cu B4 u cum 2 my par-t tonite @ 8?” No, I mean lowercase strictly as an insult.

That’s right. john. scott. omar. Those of you poor, unfortunate Dates who have broken and stomped on my heart. You are not capitalized. Hah, got ya there, as my daughter would say (unrelated to proper nouns which she is just now learning).

So if, on our Date, you notice my hands under the table, you may want to drop your napkin to see if you’re getting the double barrel finger. If not, that’s a great sign! If so, may be time to date terminate.

Likewise, if my follow-up text to you is written in lowercase, head for the hills.

Maybe one day soon, with the right Date to bring it out in me, I will actually express how I feel in words. I do seem to have a way with words, come to think of it.

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