25 May 2011


When a Date starts out dropping the F-bomb everywhere, you know you are in for a really good time. This Coffee Date had all the goods, oh wait…I’m sorry…let me back up. This was NOT a date.

After reading my blog, Nondate instantaneously asked me out. Apparently I intrigued him. Intriguing…that’s about as far as I get with guys these days. Nondate was sure to clarify that this was NOT to be considered a date. Probably because he has a wife. “But I do dates with married people!” I hastily replied, seizing the opportunity.

If you really want to impress on a first Nondate, let someone know you owe $20,000 in back taxes, but still offer to buy them coffee. That’s right, this Nondate showered me with generosity, especially given his IRS obligations. I’m sure if an undercover agent had been on duty, they would have put a stop to his frivolous Starbucks purchase and confiscated his bulging…wallet.

To keep the conversation nice and light after the IRS revelation, we switched to the topic of gender roles in society. I mentioned an article I had recently read about unisex naming practices and a couple who was essentially letting their baby “choose” its own gender by keeping it secret from the rest of the world. My Nondate immediately tagged these people as “freaks who are going to f**k up their kids and everyone else’s.” Yes, tell it like it is.

At this, Nondate abruptly announced he needed a cigarette. Did Nondate not realize my militant stance on smoking? Had he known I despise any and all cigarette smokers, regardless of their redeeming qualities, his flame may have flickered right out. When I announced my overpowering aversion to cigarettes ten years ago to wasbund, he immediately snubbed out his cigarette and never again lit up for the duration of our ill-fated marriage. In hindsight, it would have been better if wasbund kept on smoking that day...so I’d have ditched him when I still had the chance to get out alive.

And I don’t mind cigar or pot smoking, all you Dates who may have gotten scared off just now! Since one of my new mottos is keeping an open mind, I actually allowed Nondate to smoke and refrained from coughing, insulting him or walking away. In fact, I even agreed to a follow-up Lunch Nondate. The cigarette fumes must have brainwashed me.

Or maybe it was his parting comment which was so down to earth that reeled me back in, “Get a f**kin’ bed, move on, have dates.”  (Did I mention I don’t have a bed?) Right on!

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