Hopelessly Hetero Date

Girlfriends make great lovers. They are attentive, caring, understanding, empathetic, fun and they pay attention to your needs. As my beautiful, smart girlfriend of all time pointed out: “I’d date you, except for the fact that I’m Hopelessly Hetero.”

I agree that you probably shouldn’t force something that isn’t there, especially when it comes to sexuality. But think how easy it would be if dating didn’t have to consider gender.

Candyland Date

There is an off-label use for Candyland. Like so many for-profit pharmaceutical concoctions, the child’s board game is only a façade. The off-label uses prevail, and drive real profits.

“If only I’d drawn plum, earlier in the game, I might have not lost my kids,” one user lamented. Yes, Candyland is widely used to determine custody rights. So, you can be a parent for 10 years without question, but once entered into divorce court, a date with Candyland could be your instant demise. Determinations on your parental abilities come from a 20-minute observation period. You, kids and Candyland.

Never mind my daughter does manic cartwheels in the small enclosed room when she wins, sending a crack spidering up the 2-way mirror. I’m more concerned about my son who just lost to Queen Ice Cream. In a fit of unabashed rage, he has upended the board and is gritting his teeth and growling like a coyote. My other son, who also lost, has decided to fan the remaining cards around the tiny room, creating a multitude of games of 52-pickup for the evaluator. My parenting skills based on this display? F-. That’s a fail.

 

This date, sounding so sweet like candy, has ended in the tragic loss of my children for life. Until they’re 18. When they may vaguely remember this ridiculous game and the fate it delivered.

Dating etiquette tip: don’t accept candy from strangers. Especially when it’s a court date!

Amber Alert Date

My good friend Amber Disk-In (I think she prefers Diks-In) has dispensed some fantastic dating advice over the years.

By far her best advice is directed to married people. She asserts, “There comes a time when you have to realize you can have a better life than the one you have. Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to you and your wife to meet new people who are better suited for you both? Your kids will adjust. You can do things you never could do on the weekends you give away your kids. It’s a win-win! XO”

Amber’s amberlicious advice comes with tried-and-true experience. As owner of The Pet Nanny, she easily translates her experiences with furry fluffy animal friends to real people. She offers “tender loving care of your animal children” and she thinks she understands the needs of real human children as well. Animal babies get separated from their parents all the time, and Amber believes this successfully correlates to human babies as well. Based on her extensive cuddle time with brainless furbeasts, she knows a lot about feeding, walking, watering of property and detonating families. She even advocates “customized needs per client.”

Folks at her own Canyon Springs High School have reaped (or is it raped?) rewards from her customized advice. Far and wide, married couples have reconsidered their vows and ventured out to dating planets. Amber’s own sister loves her divorce, and has become best friends with the husband she kicked to the curb. Doug E and Selena M had an especially lovely parting, complete with Amber’s animal counterparts in the admiring audience.

“Everyone is better off dating!” she exclaims. “I value commitment and whatnot. Commitment to playing the field!

Her motto is “Live every day like it's your last, no regrets, and love like it's the first time, every time.”

Considering she’s pushing 38 and has no marital prospects herself, it’s clear Amber’s dating advice brings lasting hap-penis.

Warning label: Dating horrors can result. Can be fatal if swallowed.

Checking In Date

It always seems pathetic when a date is too clingy. And the more they cling, the more you repel is how it goes, right? My boy recently received an email from a stalker-type date. She wanted to know, “Where were you? Did you go to soccer practice? Why don’t we spend more time together? Don’t you love me?”

That kind of dating micromanagement irks even the calmest of daters. Why don’t you just plant a GPS in my armpit, while I’m sleeping? Then I won’t have to answer your nuisance questions about my whereabouts, and you can entertain yourself following me around.

And what do you want to bet that relationship will be over in a blink. Checkmate, date.

Watch Your Back Date

People lie by nature. Not all people tell big, bad lies. But enough people tell little lies for them to add up to one big one. Living a lie, you might say.

Certainly lies have their use, such as in the courtroom, or to get you out of going on a date when you’d rather be home picking your nose in front of the television (or fireplace, in my case). Rather than hurt a date’s feelings, I have a convenient Top 50 Easiest Lies List I refer to from time to time. I don’t think anyone’s on to me yet, so let me impart just a few:

1)      “I didn’t see your text.”

2)      “I didn’t have my phone all day.”

3)      “My voicemail is full.”

4)      “I’ve changed my e-mail address.”

5)      “I was out of town.”

6)      “My kids were sick, and I mean puking everywhere.”

7)      “I had a major deadline at work.”

8)      “I love your haircut.”

9)      “Your father is a nice man.”

10)   “I’m unemployed and can’t afford dinner.”

11)   “I already saw that movie.”

12)   “I just turned 21.”

Your back is unprotected in love and lies.

13)   “I’ll never love again.”

Harmless, right? In small quantities, dating lies serve many purposes. The problem lies (that’s not a pun) in the gradual spreading of lies throughout your day, lies seeping in through the cracks and pervading all else. Before you know it, you are an expert liar. Lying is dating skill that will first kill any relationship, then kill you.

I’m not lying. Watch your back.