Watch Your Back Date

People lie by nature. Not all people tell big, bad lies. But enough people tell little lies for them to add up to one big one. Living a lie, you might say.

Certainly lies have their use, such as in the courtroom, or to get you out of going on a date when you’d rather be home picking your nose in front of the television (or fireplace, in my case). Rather than hurt a date’s feelings, I have a convenient Top 50 Easiest Lies List I refer to from time to time. I don’t think anyone’s on to me yet, so let me impart just a few:

1)      “I didn’t see your text.”

2)      “I didn’t have my phone all day.”

3)      “My voicemail is full.”

4)      “I’ve changed my e-mail address.”

5)      “I was out of town.”

6)      “My kids were sick, and I mean puking everywhere.”

7)      “I had a major deadline at work.”

8)      “I love your haircut.”

9)      “Your father is a nice man.”

10)   “I’m unemployed and can’t afford dinner.”

11)   “I already saw that movie.”

12)   “I just turned 21.”

Your back is unprotected in love and lies.

13)   “I’ll never love again.”

Harmless, right? In small quantities, dating lies serve many purposes. The problem lies (that’s not a pun) in the gradual spreading of lies throughout your day, lies seeping in through the cracks and pervading all else. Before you know it, you are an expert liar. Lying is dating skill that will first kill any relationship, then kill you.

I’m not lying. Watch your back.

Respectful Date

People are talking about respect these days. Chant with me: R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Dear Mother:

Gargoyles who kidnap

Even though I’ve stolen your children from you, you should not be angry at me. I’m a super person. With fake eyelashes and a fake tan, I can teach your children a lot about what it means to be beautiful and humane. Plus, I love to shop til I drop, and I buy them clothes like they’re my little paper doll set. If only they were really made of thin cardboard and didn’t have such three-dimensional personalities. I also love to sit on my brand new couch and watch TV, while I watch your children clean my house and my dog poo. Like really, I am here to provide stabilization for your children. I’ve made up nicknames for them, and I’m even allowing you to borrow my nicknames, because I’m so super. Just because my IQ is a lot lower than yours doesn’t mean I’m dumb. I’m a super person and I’m making sure your kids are…well, brainwashed. So their brains are nice and clean.

Respectfully,

The Child Kidnapping Gargoyle

Dear Child Kidnapping Gargoyle:

You stole my children.

Super-dumb or not, you’re missing the main point.

See you in the woods.

With all due respect (which is none),

Mother Bear

I can respect that

When You Liked Me

You liked me when I was your running partner.

You liked me when I had a job.

You liked me when I was elected to the school governance board.

You liked me when I was your son’s soccer coach.

You liked me when I lived on your street.

You liked me when I was in your supper club.

You liked me when I lived in a nice house.

You liked me when we went wine tasting.

You liked me when I organized our book club.

You liked me when we hiked together.

You liked me when I had your kids sleep over my house.

You liked me when you invited me to your parties.

You liked me when our families went camping.

You liked me when we went out to happy hour.

You liked me when we went on vacation.

You liked me when I didn’t have any problems.

You liked me when you asked “How are you?” and I simply replied, “GREAT!”

Then when I didn’t have that job or house or position on the school board and I didn’t come to your clubs and parties or go camping and my kids didn’t live with me, and I had my troubles, you didn’t like me anymore. You had no use for me in your life. You disappeared. It was easier for you to be with people who say, “I’m doing GREAT!”

Same beautiful inside

But I’m still the same person. Still likeable and still great, without the house and job and parties and kids and neighborhood and status and sleepovers and coaching and clubs. I’m still Dating Suburban.

You’re just missing it.

Conquest Date

I am smart, funny, kind, attractive – some might say irresistible. But somehow I mostly seem to attract and be attracted to gay men. And the occasional straight woman.

I look back and analyze my dating history with alarm and concern. Yes, almost all the guys I have dated have prominently gay qualities. And I mean this in the very best way. They are all qualities I desire in a mate: sensitive, artistic, effeminate, faggy gestures (which I especially love), neat as a pin, fabulous dancers, love kitty cats, they cook and garden. They often have close female friends and are all-around wonderful people. I will most affectionately call them gaybusters.

So some gaybusters did actually “turn out” gay. Turns out to be a relief. It wasn’t me they were rejecting – it was the entire female sex! I am not undesirable, or so flawed after all.

I ordered rare, not well done

But then the other gaybusters turned out to go on and marry other people – women – they didn’t marry me! That part is perplexing. These boys were pegged as gay by all onlookers to our dating relationship – family, friends, even innocent bystanders all confirmed the gay brand. Then, after dating me, they go on to find and marry the woman of their dreams, which, apparently, I wasn’t. I must have been their practice round.

Maybe I’m attracted to these types because they are like a girlfriend, but better benefits. Girlfriends end up getting competitive, or bitchy. Gaybusters are stereotypically sweet…except when they marry someone else!

All About Choices Date

One of the clichés about maturity is that it brings wisdom. In our younger years, we may put up with intolerable behavior in dating because we don’t know any better, or haven’t yet established our boundaries and self-esteem that would tell us emphatically otherwise.

It’s a big world, with a lot of choices, and your life is your lot. Choose your dates wisely.

My Mate Date

My rock, my keeper, my foundation, my anchor.

My smile, my laugh, my heart (detached and in your hand), my JB.

Soulmate might make me sound “too smitten.”

You know who you are.

 

Dating Duhs

It’s rather trying when you have to keep explaining to a date “How To Treat Me 101.” One example is Facebook etiquette, which never ceases to astound me. So, you mean you want to be in a relationship with me, but your Facebook timeline and history is still plastered with pictures of you cheek-to-cheek with your ex? And you don’t have any pictures of me, so you leave the general public to extrapolate?

Now, now, maybe I’m just being superficial (like so many of us California girls are). Who really cares what Facebook tells the world, as long as your heart is true. Or is it?

You say you want to leave your wife, but take absolutely no action.

You say you love me more than ________, but let’s face it, you guys are known to say whatever sounds good in the heat of the moment.

You say, you say, you say.

Don’t say it if you won’t do it. It sounds lame, and it’s just…so…tiring.

Perhaps mother never taught you? Just like tennis, follow-through is everything.