Dating Etiquette

Key to My Happiness

From time to time, I get horribly insecure.

I’m generally a confident person, but some Dater practices are downright annoying. Am I uptight, or would you agree these behaviors are pesky?

Take the Dater who is Torn Between Two Lovers . Just like the 70s song of that name, you are acting like a fool and breakin’ all the rules. Especially if one lover is your soon-to-be-ex-wife and the other is me.

You still keep stuff in your wife’s bedroom, even though you’ve moved out. Ick.

Your FaceBook page is still plastered with your wife’s face, even though your status says “separated.”

You still do all holidays and family birthdays together, even though you’re technically not supposed to be a family anymore. Pssst, guess what? If you’re going to do that, don’t bother getting divorced. It’s a lot of hassle, only to still spend all that time and money together.

Finally, your secret password is your wife’s middle name. Really? You want to type that intimate reminder every day?

My password is Deliciousdatergonemissingincasuburbsonlytoresurfaceasawildsinglemother.

You get the picture. Or maybe you don’t?

Bifurcation Date

Today is very special. I’ve been bifurcated.

Sounds like perhaps I’ve been cut in half?

If you guessed that, you are close! Like chickens that live on once their heads are gone, divorced people function much the same way. You can lose your head and live on! Sometimes, people don’t even know your head is missing, especially if they didn’t know you before.

In all seriousness, because I’m such a serious person, I’ll tell you how serious this situation is.

On the yellow brick road to divorce, a bifurcation generally means one of two things:

1) The spouse requesting the bifurcation is in a big hurry to marry someone else ! Such a hurry that they cannot even wait for the divorce to get finalized. So they “bifurcate” as a shortcut. But be warned: these splitting and reproducing spouses come with several warning labels. If you add water, like a swimming pool for example, they grow to epic sponge-like proportions, sponging all your time and money.

2) The other reason to bifurcate is to buy a house with the new lover. Quick! Hurry up! Best to do that before you decide you really hate each other. Then you are more trapped when you try to get out of that ill-fated relationship. In fact, you may still own your pre-bifurcated (like pre-fabricated?) house although you’ve refused to pay on that mortgage for quite some time. Accounting oversight?

So get ready everybody, let’s do the BIFURCATION!

It’s like the Macarena, but the steps are even less complex!

Another Day, Another Date

Just This One Day

Today I woke up with just one thought: I hope I make it through this day. Just this day is all I ask. And then the next one.

I used to have a normal life: a husband, family, career, minivan, stuff. The stuff that supposedly makes us happy. Now I have myself. And I’m happy. It’s just a little harder when the shell of normal life has fallen away.

The best part, besides me, is my friends and family. Not the divorce family, my real family. Not the wasbund that trades you in for a botox beotch family. And my friends are amazing. And my roommate. Some old friends, some new. The ones that stuck around (M, D, S, A, T, J, J, T, J, H, V, T), came back (H, T, M, K, R, H) or emerged (P, M, D, M, H, J, J) – all are awesome.

Yet it’s not friends, family or roommates that are holding me up. It’s Dating. Dating Suburban.

Another day, another Date.

Let’s hope I can make it through this one.

Date Driver

This is not about dating drivers. People who drive. Cars, busses, scooters, etc.

This is about what drives dates.

My friend E went off the dating circuit for a while, frustrated with the quality of the selections, and feeling burdened by always having to shave her legs.

Yet it turns out something very key goes missing when you don’t date. So, she’s back on the scene.

Would it be fair to say that lovin' makes the world go ‘round?

Or at least that the lay promise makes millions of dates happen every day?

Things I Can't & Won't Stand 4 Date

There are several key things I absolutely cannot stand in a relationship.

Yet I continue to put up with them. Why?

·         Lying by omission – This is the worst. White lies, seemingly harmless half truths, meant to protect the innocent, are actually a crushing blow when left unmanaged. Hiring a personal trainer for $700/month, deciding not to pay mortgage principal, forgetting to mention you are telling bimbos at work about our sex life, keeping dateable co-workers waiting in the wings, hiding your wife at your apartment for a month, pretending to set my husband up with “workout partners,” telling your wife I’m a drunken failure when in fact I’m a brilliant writer. Seemingly minor betrayals that balloon into larger-than-life lies. You know the type. We’ve all done these things, no? Just don’t get caught, by me. I don’t like it.

·         Not being #1 – Why bother dating someone if you’re not their priority? Yeah, so you have to clean up the dog doo in your yard, bring your mother-in-law to the urologist weekly, pay your X her alimony right this minute, have yet ANOTHER conversation with your wife about the taxes you “forgot” to pay for 5 years. Oh, and you couldn’t text me back because your phone was off? Or was it that you were in intimate dialogue with your other girlfriend? Right. Move on to the next victim and spare me the agony, please.

·         People who don’t like kids – Kids are playful, sweet, funny, loving and a breath of fresh air. They keep you motivated, curious and busy. They are sticky, loud, mean, scared and disobedient. They cost a fortune to raise and don’t often say thank you. They just want more Nutella toast. Please. Never mind that you haven’t had time to wash your hair in a week. Or theirs for that matter. No matter. I love kids and I hope you do too.

·         No sense of adventure – If you aren’t wild, reckless, willing to try new things and always up for a spontaneous road trip, you need not bother apply. While I could never get wasbund to get excited about wine country, beaches or international travel, I’ve come to the conclusion that’s what girlfriends are for.

·         Condescending tone – Talk dirty to me, but don’t talk down to me please. I’m probably smarter than you unless you’re Stephen Hawking. You can’t make up for lack of intelligence by conjuring up blaming, accusatory “you” statements. “Because you’re so uncooperative, you are causing so many problems, you don’t give me a choice, you are so demanding, you are selfish, you are hurting children, you don’t deserve happiness.” Hey, guess what buddy? YOU don’t know how to get me into the bedroom. So, keep working on those haughty, patronizing statements for the next wife. That’s not driving me anywhere but to the nearest exit. I’ll be at the motel down the street, taking care of nooner business on my own.

Next time you’re looking to start a relationship with me, just remember these tips.

I assure you, they will cum in hand-y.

Lunch Text Date

I thought I was so special. He texted, “Wanna have lunch?”

I eagerly responded “YES!” I know that when you really like someone, you’re not supposed to appear too eager. In fact, he had pointed out earlier, “I try to play it cool, but I think about you a lot.”

Well, play it cool I did NOT. Right away, I mean right away, I revealed my availability. Not just my availability, my absolute eagerness to be near this guy every chance I get! Including lunch.

But it turns out he’d sent this mass text lunch invite to 99 different women. He apologized; he was too busy filtering all the responses to actually meet me or eat (with) me.

Destructo-Date

As I get older, wiser and more mature, I am (hopefully) more aware of when my dating = a pattern of destruction. Certainly my marriage had that special destructive flavor, for much longer than I care to admit. Since I got out of that one alive and handed the narcissistic wasbund off to the next unsuspecting wife, you’d think I could make better choices going forward! Right? Well, maybe. Remains to be seen.

Right on!

It’s really important for me to be #1 as a girlfriend. I’m saying, pay some attention to me. So you may marry me and love yardwork, TV and triathlons more than I bargained for. (But you’ve managed to put those aside to bed down with wifey #2.) Or you may love playing Words With Friends with your wife during our romantic dinner, having twin Facebook profiles with your ex and going on platonic dates with widowed women from work. Or, it may just be that you live 5 hours away and are ever-entwined in sharing a house with your wife.

Any way you slice it, I deserve a bigger piece of the pie. Am I being greedy? Selfish? Realistic? Self-sacrificing? I’m not sure.

You tell me just how much pie Dating Suburban should get, please.

I think I want a REALLY big piece.

Not OK, Cupid!

My Blogger Buddy has been dabbling in the Dating World for a few decades, and she summed it up nicely for me recently by musing:

"Your Vacation Date reminds me that I'm going to a romantic Palm Springs hideaway with a gay man! It adds up to about the same "date" as with your mom!

And speaking of dates: had to dump the latest OK Cupid suitor the day before Valentine's Day. We did the BonerBack Trail (he wore hip, boho sneakers and fell on his ass three times), then went to PIS, where he proceeded to get drunk (he was also slamming them back on our first date) and make crude remarks.

The whole day, he could've held my hand, rubbed my arm or back, we could've made out on the trail, but, NO. He wants to get laid, so something crude pops out of his mouth. 

What is it with hetero men? 
Why do they think that behavior's going to lead to sex?

I'm going to have a better time in PS with Gay Jay than I probably ever would have with Mr. Not-OK Cupid."

DS's wasbund took the same approach to intimacy. Got it, guys? This doesn't work. We like kind, loving attention, not foolishness and insults. Pretty simple, really. Just like men.

Rebound Relationship

When one relationship ends, it’s so easy to fall right into another. Wasbund fell into the convenient clutches of botox beotch, CC. Knives falls into the arms of any attractive work colleague, past, present or future.

And I’m...well...still falling.

Catch me if you can, please, someone.

I haven’t hit rock bottom yet.

Birth Date

For all my social angst, it turned out OK. Even rather fun actually! All my disparate friends really enjoyed talking and meeting each other. They told me so. Some people couldn't come, so the group size was manageable for me - I didn't have to escape to the bathroom, chug wine and text myself blog ideas from the commode. In fact, I even drank coffee vs beer so I was less likely to crash my new car.

I did inadvertently meet a GUY at the bar before everyone arrived. His name was Tom. Curse! He was over 40, never married and not gay. Apparently rich. Would rather stay home and read but was out to meet his married not-gay guy friend. Tom was surprised that within moments of meeting me, a barfly, pretty and all alone, I was the center of the universe and knew half the people in the bar. He ended up staying for most of the party and even taking pictures.

The regifts I received were cherished and appreciated. Nothing shiny and new, please. I’ve been there and I know the glittery doesn’t last.

While I may have aged 100 years in 2011 alone,
it still felt great to survive another year.

 YOU’RE INVITED!  LET'S CELEBRATE!

In the last 18 months, divorce has aged me 100 years. But in calendar years I'm only turning 43. Still young, right? Am I young enough to start over and still have a life????? Some days I wonder.

Please join me to celebrate the fact I'm still standing (and very much alive) considering I've been badly beaten in a custody war and survived a big bad car crash, to name just a few recent events. 

And have it too!

WHAT: DS's 43rd birthday!

WHEN: Friday, February 24th

TIME: 6:00 - 9:00 pm

WHY: Why not???? I'm usually in my PJs by 7pm on Fridays. But let's face it, we all need an outing from time to time!

IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS: If you insist on bringing a gift, I insist it must be a REgift. Seriously. Don't even consider spending money. I'd appreciate your castaways and giveaways so much more! And of course bring husbands, significant others, even kids if you can't get a babysitter. I love being around other happy couples. Really, I do.

Would YOU Date Her?

How’s this for the ideal date?

Unemployed, ex-convict, going bankrupt in a divorce case that will not end, kid kicked out of school, messy house, no time to cook or eat. As a result very tired and boney. 

 

(A few minor yellow flags never hurt.)

Between children enrolled in too many sports, too many carpools, job searching and attorney appointments – just not enough down time to date.

Yet some relaxation and overdue affection would do her some good.

This job pays great dividends that are revealed only upon acceptance.

Interested?

VD Date

Now that I’ve been alone for over a year, I get it. I get why people want to be alone.

Nobody to boss you.

You can make your own decisions, and they stick.

No one to tell you that you aren’t good enough.

Nobody to second-guess, criticize or condemn you.

Nobody to lie to you.

No one to answer to.

Just you! I mean me! Nobody else!

Not that I don’t miss loving, supportive collaboration. Parenting together. Knowing that there’s someone out there in the world who really cares about you. Who you can call if you get into a car accident, or get locked out.

And that’s just what girlfriends are for. No strings attached.

So when I think about VD, Valentine’s Day, or Vindictive Dating – I just say no. 

Only love, please. "I love me!" has a nice ring to it.

Room Mate Date

What could make for easier logistics than dating under the very same roof?

While some couples deliberate: When is the right time to shack up together? How long must we be dating before making the big live-in commitment? Have we passed all the appropriate tests? Are we at the right stage of life? Will I still be able to secretly date other people if I live with her?

I can easily advise on how to solve your dilemma. It’s like this: Find a roommate of the opposite sex who you find dashingly desirable, interesting, fun, trustworthy and practical. In other words, make sure the compatibility quotient is high. Then, split the rent. Splitting rent establishes relationship hierarchy of control, aka equality. Now, you have a built-in companion, confidante, dinner and movie date, and friend. An optional couch cuddler. A person to make sure you wake up alive every day.

Oh, but what to do when you get sick of each other? Easy. Go into separate rooms. Or somebody goes out for a while. Be sure to maintain other friendships. If necessary, have a fight while safely nestled in each other’s arms.

Overall, the roommate dating plan can cut through layers of relationship bullcrap with a single swipe. You did it. You took the plunge and didn’t overanalyze.

Now, just see if it all lives up to the living together thing.

PS This also works well with same sex roommates too if you are looking to pursue a sexual preference/gender conversion.

PPS It works best if the roommate is loving and caring and nurturing and empathetic and cute and smart and artistic and funny and kind and compassionate too. Avoid narcissistic aholes whenever possible.