Conquest Date

I am smart, funny, kind, attractive – some might say irresistible. But somehow I mostly seem to attract and be attracted to gay men. And the occasional straight woman.

I look back and analyze my dating history with alarm and concern. Yes, almost all the guys I have dated have prominently gay qualities. And I mean this in the very best way. They are all qualities I desire in a mate: sensitive, artistic, effeminate, faggy gestures (which I especially love), neat as a pin, fabulous dancers, love kitty cats, they cook and garden. They often have close female friends and are all-around wonderful people. I will most affectionately call them gaybusters.

So some gaybusters did actually “turn out” gay. Turns out to be a relief. It wasn’t me they were rejecting – it was the entire female sex! I am not undesirable, or so flawed after all.

I ordered rare, not well done

But then the other gaybusters turned out to go on and marry other people – women – they didn’t marry me! That part is perplexing. These boys were pegged as gay by all onlookers to our dating relationship – family, friends, even innocent bystanders all confirmed the gay brand. Then, after dating me, they go on to find and marry the woman of their dreams, which, apparently, I wasn’t. I must have been their practice round.

Maybe I’m attracted to these types because they are like a girlfriend, but better benefits. Girlfriends end up getting competitive, or bitchy. Gaybusters are stereotypically sweet…except when they marry someone else!

All About Choices Date

One of the clichés about maturity is that it brings wisdom. In our younger years, we may put up with intolerable behavior in dating because we don’t know any better, or haven’t yet established our boundaries and self-esteem that would tell us emphatically otherwise.

It’s a big world, with a lot of choices, and your life is your lot. Choose your dates wisely.

My Mate Date

My rock, my keeper, my foundation, my anchor.

My smile, my laugh, my heart (detached and in your hand), my JB.

Soulmate might make me sound “too smitten.”

You know who you are.

 

Dating Duhs

It’s rather trying when you have to keep explaining to a date “How To Treat Me 101.” One example is Facebook etiquette, which never ceases to astound me. So, you mean you want to be in a relationship with me, but your Facebook timeline and history is still plastered with pictures of you cheek-to-cheek with your ex? And you don’t have any pictures of me, so you leave the general public to extrapolate?

Now, now, maybe I’m just being superficial (like so many of us California girls are). Who really cares what Facebook tells the world, as long as your heart is true. Or is it?

You say you want to leave your wife, but take absolutely no action.

You say you love me more than ________, but let’s face it, you guys are known to say whatever sounds good in the heat of the moment.

You say, you say, you say.

Don’t say it if you won’t do it. It sounds lame, and it’s just…so…tiring.

Perhaps mother never taught you? Just like tennis, follow-through is everything.

Date Read-ability

A romantic weekend and a good book. Two of my favorite items. But in combination?

Let’s see. A good book is a stand-alone party. Well, maybe not party, but groovin’ entertainment. Reading takes you places. I can get as lost in a book as I can in lovemaking. Reading is that good.

But a romantic weekend! The in-love feelin’, the snuggling, ga-ga eyes, reveling in each other, laughing, napping, feeling like it could never get any better than this. Yeah, we’ve all been there. Then comes Sunday. Time to go home. To reality.

The romantic weekend comes to an abrupt end, but the book is tangible – and we are still holding on to both.

The combination of reading a good book during a romantic weekend brings up some interesting scenarios.

• Is the Date so boring, so dull, that you must read to pass the time?
• Is your book so good, so titillating, that it surpasses Date in fantasy potential?
• Or, perchance, is Date co-reading the same book, so you can alternately pause and discuss? (Now I’ll pause to say that’s my fantasy – but those Dates don’t seem to exist on planet earth).

Giving me the freedom to read!

My Dating Friend, who amazes and dazzles me constantly, was able to finish a riveting adventure story, filled with unsettling portrayals of relationships, while on a romantic wine-tasting weekend. How does one do that? Instead of a cigarette, do you open right back to the page after a quick copulate? Or do you read while doing it, slow enough so you can turn the pages without ripping them?

I hope you, my readers, can shed some light on this. Or at least a booklight. Do tell.

Dating Danger

A pause from writing is not usually a good thing (I’ve been unplogged – unplugged from blogs - for a while). Writing is a safe form of venting. Or is it?

Suffice it to say that dating has kept me dangerously busy. In a very good way.

On one of my recent dates, the subject of procrastination came up. Why do we put off unpleasant tasks, like returning the dreaded phone call, filing the court papers, or dealing with the administrative hassles of a name change? The answer, my Date says, is because we are thrill-seekers.

That’s right. The rush brought on by procrastination is too exhilarating for some to pass up. The feeling of bumping right up against…a deadline. Flirting with…disaster. Not completing…an important task…until the last possible second.

Straightforward life, right out of the bottle, may not be exciting enough for daring, intelligent, adventure-seekers. We need something more. Procrastination. Dating.

These two joined together offer an unforgettable combination. For example, keep that date waiting in the wings til he’s just about to give up, then give him exactly what he wants. Or string her along til she threatens to send a PI after you, and appear on her doorstep with a dozen roses. Or date him just long enough to fall madly in love with one of his friends.

Sound familiar? Dangerous Daters live on the edge.

Yes, you too can date daringly and dangerously. Why settle for Plain Life when you can have a Dangerous Dating Life instead?

Up, up and date away!

Replaceable Date

It’s kind of bothersome that you think I’m that easily replaceable. Like, I was married to her for 10 years (yawn), she raised my 3 banshees (yowl), she was the breadwinner (ya-hoo!) and now, I’ll just snuff her out and start over, as if she didn’t exist.

Wait. Not so fast, buster boy.

I matter. And you can’t pretend all that time didn’t matter, even if you forgot to pack up any physical reminders like photos of the kids, or your clothes and stuff. Yeah, yeah, so you were in a hurry. I got that.

And you have new, better physical reminders now! Like your 4 cars, 4 flatscreen TVs, hilltop house, swimming pool and new plaid wardrobe. The parties, the built-in babysitters so you never actually have to spend time with your kids, your gf’s shiny bleached white teeth. (How long until that bleached taste goes away? Last time I sucked on bleach I made some terrible errors. I think it caused lasting brain damage.)

So you may think you can substitute these semi-precious assets for old, tattered, battered me. 

Just remember, you have it all now, but you can’t take it with you. It’s an illusion.

You end up exactly as you are. Poof.

You made your bed - now, sleep in it!

Repri-Man-Ding Date

A date is not off to a good start when the reprimanding starts before you’ve actually met, or done anything officially “wrong.”

I had a date start off that way when a potential suitor used my entire answering machine tape to admonish and insult me for not returning his phone calls in a timely manner. Never mind I was sick in bed, on death’s door with mono and pneumonia. I’d failed to return his call for 2 days, and he was not going to let me get away with it.

Or take my friend M’s recent experience with a Plenty-o-Fish matched mate. Perhaps, she should have been warned that his profile stated, "If you're the kind of woman who's too busy to return phone calls, then we won't get along." Whoa. Who says a bizzy woman is bad date material? Isn’t it a plus if she has enough going on to have an interesting life, considering you were not a factor up til now? I’m bizzy and I don’t usually return phone calls (I text only, please) and I’m still a very Hot Date.

Feeling threatened, M actually did return his phone call, where he proceeded to complain about any women whom he'd driven a distance to meet, paid for dinner, but then after the date, they failed to return his calls or were too busy to make a subsequent date.

Feeling a surge of everybody deserves one more chance, M decided to set a date with him but then learned her babysitter had cancelled. Repri-Man offered "Why don't u just have me babysit, and then u can go out on your date?" Ouch. She had in fact double-date-booked herself and used the babysitter as a flimsy cover story, but for Repri-Man to call her out on this fact was oh-so-rude.

M’s final attempt (feeling like she was in the Roman Coliseum with a large hungry lion), was to offer to Come His Way. His cynical cumback was “Why don't u just call me when ur actually on ur way down?" and he outright refused to set a time and place. Feeling a Reprimanding Vibe, M texted that she thought it wouldn’t work out after all.

His last, cutting jab: “Yes, I was expecting that from you.”

And they had never, even met. Yikes.