Web Date

When I say web date, I’m not referring to online dating. I’m referring to a specific type of Dater who traps you in their web, like a spider’s bait, until they’re finished with you (or more likely, you’ve been eaten alive). Have you been out with those web dater types?

I have one who comes to mind immediately. She has fake boobs, a botox face, a charming smile and an entertainer’s house. And you’ll have a lot of trouble getting out. She starts out as a friend, fawning over you with generosity and attention. You get invited to all the parties. Beware – the attention is only when it serves her. If you’re a morning running partner or a guest who counts towards attendance at her party then, fabulous!, you matter! Her need for control, however, is insatiable. If you have personal, relationship or work troubles, or don’t serve toward her guest count, she’ll be the first to savagely turn on you.

After our years of friendship, she was leaping at the opportunity to invite my former spouse over for her bbq a week after he renounced our family. What wonderful support for me and my kids! A person to count on through thick and thin…not. So it is with these web dates. When you’re no longer attractive bait, you are discarded like a dead, half-eaten fly.

On my father’s 90^th birthday, she decided it was more important to take my kids out on her speedboat. Now, that’s true family values! According to her, it was a great day for a date. She beamed at them and announced, “Oh my, how you’ve grown! A tasty meal you’ll make!” Never mind she’s against procreation in the first place (the result, not the act). Their grandfather celebrated his day without them.

My decimarian daughter stated her thoughts to me so eloquently, as she often does in her sage, insightful yet offhand way. “J9 is just a party girl. She doesn’t really care about people or their feelings. And she doesn’t care at all about being a good person. We know that. Luckily we don’t see her that much, and none of us like her.” Well said. An important reminder from a perceptive young child of where web daters rank, in life importance and kindness.

Good to start young in weeding out the web daters. Save the years of heartache and don’t fall into the spin. Or if you do, enjoy the speedboat, bring your insecticide, and aim for the eyes.

Caught ya!

Where Is It? Date

If you never know truth, you never know love.

~ The Black Eyed Peas

Listen. . .and sing it.

Are you wearing your humanity today?

Sole Custody Date

Lately I’ve been dealing with very territorial people.

You know the type: highly controlling, can’t (or won’t) let go, don’t acknowledge that there can be more than one “right” way to get it done, easily bruised when things don’t go their way. (BIG CLUE: Life, actually, doesn’t always go your way. Once you accept that, your sphincter will relax.)

You are at the helm

In dating, there are a lot of people suffering from this epidemic called divorce. Over 50% of the dating population, to be exact. The divorce often involves many brain-dead autocrats, who collect handsome paychecks if they can keep the divorce conflict alive and feeding on maggots, radioactive waste and other tasty trash. These divorce-feeding officials believe they can actually control the outcome.

Then, there is the territorial partner a rung below the officials - the one who cannot relinquish the battle or redirect their life - so they stay mired in court, custody battles (they actually think children can be “owned”), relentless pursuits of cash, and collection of as many friends and acquaintances they can recruit…while the other partner is up, up and DATING away!

The dating free partner knows this: there is one sure way to permanently rid yourself of the problem of those terrible territorial tormentors. Sole custody. Sole meaning alone, and custody (a word that’s in process of being removed from the dictionary) implying ownership.

How do you cut through the crap with these territorial folks and achieve sole custody? Easy, so easy.

You already have it. The one thing you will always have is sole custody of your life. While you are alive, nobody can take that custody from you, ever. Don’t blow it; make the most of it. Date it up, wild and free.

STFU Date

Have you ever dated someone who barrages you with nasty texts? I don’t mean the sexy, fun kind of nasty; I mean truly mean-spirited and vengeful kind of nasty. Dates like these deserve to be dropped. Unless, of course, it’s the stalker-ex. Try as mightily as you might - lingering exes don’t like to let go.

Mixed-up, jumbled and a shook up world

I had an interesting text barrage from my boyfriend’s ex, Laura G. It was a one-way conversation that escalated fury with each passing moment. I read along, amused and somewhat stupefied that someone who I’ve never met could be throwing out absolute value judgments and working themselves into such a frenzy of hatred.

But let’s face it, nobody enjoys the nasty barrage, and even the bemusement quickly wears off. I was ready for the conversation to end. But when the ex is conversing steadily with herself, there is no “The End.”

Once she finally wore herself down, she told me to STFU. Now, there are just so many text acronyms these days, even as a highly evolved linguist, some of them stump me. I puzzled over this one for a while, but what got me more was her “in defense of all children of this world” crap. I’m a dating mother, for Christ’s sake. I kill flies, but not children.

Some Take Fun Uphill

Steady Teddy, Falling Undies

Smut Takes Fondling Underground

Snotty Tits Fold Up

Really, STFU was out of my league.

A year later, a whole 365 days past due, someone told me what this elusive acronym means. That’s it? She text barraged me for a day and then told me to shove it? I will never understand the narrow brain passage retrofitted to some. And I appreciate my boyfriend all the more for knowing all his Scrabble words. ILYP.

Destined Date

Mugshot of your heart

If you go on a date consumed with how you will establish your superiority, you’ve destined the date to flop. I don’t give a puss if you’re always right. Or really knowledgeable about habits of small dogs. If you spend our precious time together ensuring I will come away with the feeling that you’re better than something, you’ve missed the mark of humanity.

I want to know about you, faults and all, and what brings you passion. I want to know your strong and weak parts, because that shows me you are balanced. I’m not impressed by how much you can bench at the gym, or how many TV shows you’ve watched in your lifetime, or even the size of your…paycheck. But I am impressed if you’re nice to me. And if you linger a little longer in bed, or listen for a moment before you bring me a steaming mug of coffee.

It’s easy to dote on you when you don’t prove me wrong in every area of life. Fine, you’re better at geometry. And I’m an excellent speller. And after that, grades don’t matter. But how you treat people matters more than you fathomed.

Date Fate

He thought he was trading up.

But as his workout partner overheard him complaining at the gym, “The grass really isn’t any greener.” 

In fact, the grass is dead. It’s not real grass. It’s plastic. When you get up close to sniff it, you get poked by a synthetic blade. No fresh and natural here.

Trophy dates can actually suck.

She can’t spell and she loves to outfit him, her way, just like his mother. She changed the tye-dye to preppy plaid. And she’s ready to digitally remaster the kids. Authentic from the inside out. Manners, name brands and censorship. All the attributes that make a person whole and true.

Buy-buy, now! Thank the Dating Gods they won’t grow up like you!

Hopeful Date

New season. New you. New resolutions. New dates.

The only constant in life is…change. Yes, change is constant and inevitable. My revolving door of dating means dates change nightly. It keeps life exciting! Why settle for the same dull and drab person when you can constantly exchange them for someone else? There is no shortage of humans on earth, so why should there be a shortage of dates, or boyfriends, or husbands?

In this day and age, you can move on without ever having to face any consequences. No need to reflect on past damage when new dates are awaiting. No U-turns allowed.

Have hope. Keep recycling. And don’t look back!

Twist of Date

We don’t know the journey when we start out. We think we’ve picked the path, but turns out that trail is closed. So we take a detour. And follow some breadcrumbs. And hope that we’re not in the same woods as Hansel and Gretel, lest the witch’s candy distract us. We plod on. Sometimes with flashlights, the only illumination being the beam directly ahead. The rest dark and shrouded in mystery. And that, my dating friend, ends up being our life.

What is love but a series of small decisions made under impossible circumstances? One by one, they add up to years.

~ A Seahorse Year by Stacey D’Erasmo

Truth or Date

Would you rather be honest, or daring?

Are they mutually exclusive?

A date I went on was worried about his wife stealing his money in the event of a divorce. He concluded that he would hide his money from his wife while they were married. Then, when he divorced her, he would have his money safely hidden away. She would be poor, and he would be rich.

On our date, I pointed out that if his wife found out about this, she might lose all trust in him. She might then conclude he is lying about other things, whether he is or not. Losing trust creates a tremendous relationship problem. My date paused, not having considered this. “Yeah, maybe lying isn’t the best idea…” he finally decided. “I’ll just give the money to you to hide instead.”

Did you ever think about the unintended consequences?

Of course you didn’t; they were unintended.

Better Date

In this whole, big, global world, it’s harder to find a mate, because we’re all looking for someone BETTER.

Ordinary isn’t good enough.

Screening for better

Satisfactory is…just that.

Even extraordinary has its drawbacks.

They don’t make ‘em like they used to…they make ‘em better.

So hurry out to your local dealer now, and trade in your used model, for the new better one.

The defects won’t show in the first 6-7 months.

Then, when defects do emerge, as they inevitably do, you can simply upgrade to a better model.

This way, you never have to deal with reality, shortcumings or repairs.

And you’ll feel so much better too!

I’ve been discarding for decades ~ that’s what keeps me alive and Dating Suburban.

You can do better too…for superior results, upgrade today!

Boots Date

I’m having a love affair with high leather boots. Suede boots are nice too.

So I splurged and bought a few. Matching sets so I appear symmetrical.

The point is – whatever you need to do to feel sexy, do it. You owe it to yourself. Your mate will probably like the sexy you as well.

I got my boots on sale. And I wear them when there’s no snow. That’s sexy too.